Testosterone Alley: Driving Like a Real MAN

Turn signals, brakes, appropriate reaction times, common sense - what do all four of these have in common? They're fundamental aspects of operating a motor vehicle which must be implemented effectively if you want to stay out of trouble on the road. Of course, all people of legal driving age know this... but it takes more than just knowledge the basics to drive like a real MAN. We men often find ourselves in dangerous situations; it's in our very nature to tackle the most death-defying challenges, to defeat the odds and come out on top, whether via brute force, intellect and skill, or a combination of both. To drive like a man, especially a man in the midst of trouble, you have to stretch reality to the limits of its feasibility, to have mastery over the very laws of physics themselves. Today, Battle Royale brings you a four-step guide that will have you driving like a MAN in no time.



1. Eliminate environmental threats

Let's say you need to get from Point A to Point B really quickly. The only problem is... there's a bomb fastened to the bottom of your car. You've got places to be, so don't even THINK about stopping. You have to figure out a way to get rid of the bomb while on the move, and here's where our first lesson in physics-bending comes in, courtesy of one Frank Martin, also known as the Transporter:



As you can see, the first thing you need to do is find an incline, but not just any old incline; it has to be positioned in such a fashion that only one side of your car will actually hit the makeshift ramp. This way, as you fly through the air, your car will perform a spiral (in the manner of a good football pass) and, if done correctly, will hit the ground in the perfect upright position. This is pretty basic stuff if you're just trying to impress the ladies. But you're NOT looking to show off right now, you're looking to show off while REMOVING A BOMB.

The tricky part lies in finding something to scrape the bomb off the bottom of the car. In a textbook case, there will be a crane hanging in just the right spot to assist you with this... but we all know that MEN don't operate by the book, we do things our OWN WAY. If there's no crane available, a flagpole, scaffolding, street light, billboard, or any other object that juts out into the air will do the trick in a pinch. Try it out for yourself, see what works for you.



2. Increase altitude to avoid obstacles

You ditched the bomb on your car, but it went off just after you dislodged it. The resulting explosion alerted the cops, and now they think you're the perpetrator. They're hot on your trail... so how do you get away? We now turn to the one and only Batman for our second lesson in manly driving:



The first thing you need to do in this case is survey the scene. Keep a cool head, make sure your poisoned love interest (optional) doesn't get too upset about the fact that she could be dead in a matter of minutes; you don't have time for distractions like that. If, as you careen through the streets, you still can't lose the fuzz, then don't restrict yourself simply to driving on the ground. The simplest solution is, as was demonstrated, to find a parking garage, traverse the ramps until you get to the top, and crash through the wall, barreling forward across the rooftops until you intersect with a bridge. At that point, it's a safe bet that the police haven't been able to follow you for some time.

Of course, not all of us have the limitless funds necessary to secure a vehicle that can in fact break down concrete barriers like that, so you may have to get a little more resourceful. You've already proven that you're adept enough to lift your car off the ground, so the only thing you need now is another incline to lift you over the wall at the top of the parking garage. Perhaps there are some haphazardly placed and unsecured metal beams, or an unoccupied piece of construction equipment; whatever the case, in these dangerous scenarios, there's always stuff laying around where it shouldn't be, so make use of the random junk at your disposal... it doesn't take Ninja training to figure that one out.



3. Your car isn't just a vehicle... it's a weapon

The cops and their pathetic squad cars have been unable to stop you, and so, watching you fly through the air, they decided to bring in an airborne vehicle of their own. Suddenly, you're staring down a helicopter, complete with a rifle-firing maniac hanging out the side. No amount of roof-hopping will get you away from that... your only choice is to neutralize the threat, John McClane style:



By now you're a pro at achieving liftoff with your car, but this is more than just your average jump: this one requires precision, timing, and, most of all, a good eye for the trajectory of a car hurtling through the air.

After you make the tough decision to abandon your car, you have to ascertain whether or not your ramp of choice is in the proper position to strike the helicopter. This shouldn't be too difficult, simply because you are a MAN and as such can ensure that anything in your path (including tollbooths) can indeed propel your car off the ground. Antagonists of this nature rarely take into account this fact and will likely position themselves behind what they think is cover, only to find out that you will use that "cover" to launch your car at them and send them to a fiery doom.

The really hard part is knowing when to bail. If you jump out too early, your car might not have the momentum it needs to achieve maximum height; too late and you're going down in flames as well, or at least losing your legs as your car scrapes along the tollbooth (or what have you) ahead. This is where being a MAN really comes in handy. Reaction time is key at this point, and if you focus (i.e. don't panic like a little girl), your inner Awesome should see you through. When the time is right, jump, tuck, roll, and enjoy the show.



4. No car? No problem.

You've removed a bomb, escaped the police, and blown up a helicopter... but you still haven't reached Point B yet, and now you've destroyed your ride. Running is for weenies, and besides, you need to get there NOW, so what do you do? Take a page out of the James Bond playbook (you may want to take a moment to let it load, as the specific scene comes about 4 minutes into the video):



Any poser can hop into the nearest experimental watercraft and blast out onto the open seas, but your destination is on dry ground. To get there, find a boathouse (preferably one that has a ramp leading into the water; ramps are a key theme here) and use it to access the nearest road. With your mastery of physics by this point, taking corners on a street in a vehicle that has no wheels or brakes should be no trouble at all. And now that you're so close to your goal, don't let ANYTHING stand in your way. Keep forging ahead at all costs (blaring away on your little boat horn, of course, to alert innocent bystanders), no matter how many buildings you have to crash through. Eventually you'll arrive at your destination, even manlier than you were than when you began your journey.



And that's it, folks: four simple steps to driving like a real MAN. If you're reading this and you're not a man, don't worry... I'm sure there's a man out there who would be willing to bring you along as his poisoned female counterpart, and then you can take in all the Awesome firsthand.

Check back with us tomorrow for more adventures in pop culture.

-Billy