Saturday Morning Special: The Worst Christmas Song of All Time

I'm sure you're familiar with the glory that is Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You," my own personal favorite Christmas tune. If you're not, or if you want to have a listen right this very moment, then by all means do so:





Everything about the song is beautiful. The melody, the vocals, the tempo, the instrumentals; surely it's the greatest Christmas song of this generation. You can imagine my shock and dismay, then, when I heard it brutally murdered, and then my horror as I listened while the twisted, mangled corpse of the song was reanimated as if by some kind of dark ritual, courtesy of Cymphonique:





Good God. Where do I even begin?

Here's a tip for all you aspiring cover artists out there: it's okay to change one or two words of a song you're covering if it's contextually appropriate (for example, if the song was originally performed from the perspective of a girl and your all-male band is doing a cover, you may need to swap out a few pronouns - that's all well and good). I missed the very beginning of the song, but I heard enough of the beginning to catch "I just want you for myself," and I immediately thought "uh oh, where is this going," unaware that by switching on that radio station, I had just strapped myself in for a lyrical train wreck. Remember, I said it's okay to change a word or two, NOT THE ENTIRE SONG. I suppose that's really the only flaw, but it's a flaw so atrociously overbearing that it consumes the entire experience.

I can see her discussing the possibility of her own version of the song with her producer:
"So, Cymphonique, you want to do a cover of All I Want For Christmas Is You, but you want to do more than just rehash the same old version we've heard a million times. Okay, I have some suggestions. Let's try and make this one your own, you know, really give it something that says 'Cymphonique did this.' Instead of giving it your own musically stylistic flair (everyone does that), let's just hijack the tune and rewrite the words. Do you know what a rhyme scheme is? Good, we won't need one of those. Oh and make sure you mention cell phones at some point, all the kids have them these days. That'll make you sound hip and cool and will definitely appeal to your 12-year-old target audience."

In certain parts of the song, her dazzling lyrical genius shines through. For example, she brilliantly adapts the lyrics to suit her own style by replacing phrases like "all I want for Christmas" with "all I need this Christmas" and "I won't even wish for snow" with "I won't even ask for snow." In light of these stunningly clever bits of wordplay, I'm sure Mariah would approve, although she'd probably like to know who told Cymphonique that "special" rhymes with "you."

Another thing that perturbs me is the basis for the song. It's all well and good when you're talking about what you want for Christmas, but when you start discussing the things you need, well, you've struck a nerve with me. Gifts are GIVEN, not deserved or needed. With the concept of need comes the concept of entitlement, and I'm sorry, but you are not entitled to a single Christmas present. But that's a different rant for a different time.

The real travesty is, as I've reiterated, the alteration of the lyrical content. If you want to give your own spin to a song, then you do so with the music itself or the way the song is played, not by changing the words entirely. You don't disgrace and destroy the beauty of the original like that... it's like pooping on the Mona Lisa and then saying "There, I made it my own." This god-awful piece of garbage is, easily, the worst Christmas song I have ever heard in my entire life.


-Billy


P.S. - As a special Christmas bonus, I'm going to include a version of an old Christmas classic that shows how to properly cover a song. Enjoy.