Saturday Morning Special: The Worst Christmas Song of All Time

I'm sure you're familiar with the glory that is Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You," my own personal favorite Christmas tune. If you're not, or if you want to have a listen right this very moment, then by all means do so:





Everything about the song is beautiful. The melody, the vocals, the tempo, the instrumentals; surely it's the greatest Christmas song of this generation. You can imagine my shock and dismay, then, when I heard it brutally murdered, and then my horror as I listened while the twisted, mangled corpse of the song was reanimated as if by some kind of dark ritual, courtesy of Cymphonique:





Good God. Where do I even begin?

Here's a tip for all you aspiring cover artists out there: it's okay to change one or two words of a song you're covering if it's contextually appropriate (for example, if the song was originally performed from the perspective of a girl and your all-male band is doing a cover, you may need to swap out a few pronouns - that's all well and good). I missed the very beginning of the song, but I heard enough of the beginning to catch "I just want you for myself," and I immediately thought "uh oh, where is this going," unaware that by switching on that radio station, I had just strapped myself in for a lyrical train wreck. Remember, I said it's okay to change a word or two, NOT THE ENTIRE SONG. I suppose that's really the only flaw, but it's a flaw so atrociously overbearing that it consumes the entire experience.

I can see her discussing the possibility of her own version of the song with her producer:
"So, Cymphonique, you want to do a cover of All I Want For Christmas Is You, but you want to do more than just rehash the same old version we've heard a million times. Okay, I have some suggestions. Let's try and make this one your own, you know, really give it something that says 'Cymphonique did this.' Instead of giving it your own musically stylistic flair (everyone does that), let's just hijack the tune and rewrite the words. Do you know what a rhyme scheme is? Good, we won't need one of those. Oh and make sure you mention cell phones at some point, all the kids have them these days. That'll make you sound hip and cool and will definitely appeal to your 12-year-old target audience."

In certain parts of the song, her dazzling lyrical genius shines through. For example, she brilliantly adapts the lyrics to suit her own style by replacing phrases like "all I want for Christmas" with "all I need this Christmas" and "I won't even wish for snow" with "I won't even ask for snow." In light of these stunningly clever bits of wordplay, I'm sure Mariah would approve, although she'd probably like to know who told Cymphonique that "special" rhymes with "you."

Another thing that perturbs me is the basis for the song. It's all well and good when you're talking about what you want for Christmas, but when you start discussing the things you need, well, you've struck a nerve with me. Gifts are GIVEN, not deserved or needed. With the concept of need comes the concept of entitlement, and I'm sorry, but you are not entitled to a single Christmas present. But that's a different rant for a different time.

The real travesty is, as I've reiterated, the alteration of the lyrical content. If you want to give your own spin to a song, then you do so with the music itself or the way the song is played, not by changing the words entirely. You don't disgrace and destroy the beauty of the original like that... it's like pooping on the Mona Lisa and then saying "There, I made it my own." This god-awful piece of garbage is, easily, the worst Christmas song I have ever heard in my entire life.


-Billy


P.S. - As a special Christmas bonus, I'm going to include a version of an old Christmas classic that shows how to properly cover a song. Enjoy.

Tuesday's Tesosterone Alley: War Movies

Seeing as yesterday was the anniversary of Pearl Harbor, and today is Testosterone Tuesday, I considered it fitting to roll out my selections of the best war movies of all time.

War movies have always been a guy thing, girls may never fully understand. They only see the movie on a cinematical level. They see blood and guts, and hear coarse language and they leave the room. Men have always seen war movies differently. It's not about whats directly on the screen, the blood or the language. It's about the responsibility that a man has to do what's right, and to act bravely in the face of the harshest circumstances. These movies embody the best the war genre has to offer.

Before we begin, let me clarify what I consider a war movie. Braveheart and Gladiator are not war movies, and as such are not included in this list. A war movie focuses primarily on the historical events leading up to a factual battle or campaign that has been fought, with the primary focus being on the tactics and warfare engaged in during the battle.


With all that said, the list:


10. Black Hawk Down

The reason I included Black Hawk Down, is because it gives us probably the best look at what modern warfare has become. I have yet to see some of this year's war movies such as the excellently reviewed "The Hurt Locker". But Black Hawk Down shows us how the rules have changed, and how the arms proliferation across the globe has made combatants out of nearly anyone. I will say, for as superb as BHD is as a film, the original book written by Mark Bowden is superior in nearly every way, for those of you who enjoy reading, specifically reading about the military, Black Hawk Down by Bowden is one of the best reads you will ever have.


9. Glory

My dad and I typically have similar tastes when it comes to war movies. He has always been a history buff, and enjoys his collection of military novels and films. However, he doesn't go for Glory like I do. He finds it excessively depressing and gruesome, whereas I find the performances by Freeman and Washington to be some of the best ever given on the screen. At times Matthew Broderick seems unable to match the brilliance of Freeman and Denzel, but the movie still remains one of the most powerful and touching war films ever.

8. Patton

Someday I will give you my list of top acting performances ever given in a film. A list that includes the obvious (such as Peter O'Toole as Lawrence of Arabia) and the not so obvious (Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday in "Tombstone"), but there is only one performance that ever gets consideration for the top spot in my own personal list, and that is George C. Scott as General George Patton. This movie is not for the casual movie watcher. It is a historical biopic of one of the most enigmatic and brilliant generals of all time. For those that enjoy studying World War II, and especially for those who are interested in Patton, this movie remains one of the favorites of my collection.

7. Gettysburg

Two spots higher than its Civil War counterpart "Glory", Gettysburg is a fascinating look at one of the most crucial battles in American history. Excellent performances all around, but Jeff Daniels as Col. Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain gives a performance that you never could have expected from the "Dumb and Dumber" actor. Also, this film features "Battle Royale" favorite Sam Elliott as Gen. John Buford.




6. The Bridge on the River Kwai

Featuring the superb Alec Guinness a full 20 years before he became Ben Kenobi, Bridge on the River Kwai is low on action, but examines the mental fortitude of POW's in a Japanese labor camp. Excellent plot, excellent movie.

5. We Were Soldiers

Disdain for the Vietnam war can be felt even to this day. John Wayne's "The Green Berets" was widely panned for its "childish" and positive view of the war. Meanwhile, ultra-depressing Vietnam movies have raked in the dollars and awards. Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, Apocalypse Now, The Deer Hunter, heck, even First Blood (Rambo 1) is about a depressed Vietnam vet. Somewhere in between Wayne's admittedly amateurish offering, and the super depressing list I just mentioned. Is "We Were Soldiers", featuring a very strong performance by Mel Gibson, "Soldiers" is powerful without being depressing. It also features Sam Elliott as Gibson's right hand man, but the show is stolen by another "Battle Royale" favorite, Barry Pepper, as a photographer caught in the action.

4. The Longest Day

The Cast reads like a Hall of Fame list. Wayne, Fonda, Connery, Burton, Mitchum, Wagner, and even Red Button and Rod Steiger show up in this one. A great black and white look at the invasion of Normandy and the events that led up to it. For those of you who love war movies, this is one of the best.

3. The Dirty Dozen

Most of the list so far has been fairly serious and somber, but believe it or not, there are a few war movies out there that double as comedies. The Dirty Dozen sports another one of the best casts ever assembled. Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, Telly Savalas, Donald Sutherland, Jim Brown, and Ernest Borgnine. The movie wonderfully meshes humor with the reality of war when 12 felons get a chance at redemption at the German's expense.

2. The Great Escape

The great thing about war movies, is that they allow for a multitude of actors to come together. The Great Escape boasts, in my opinion, perhaps the greatest cast of actors ever in one movie. Steve McQueen gets top billing, and is the best thing about the film, but James Garner is likewise excellent, as is Bronson again, James Coburn, Richard Attenborough (Better known for creating Jurassic Park and being Santa Clause), and Donald Pleasence, as well as a superb German and British supporting cast. "The Great Escape" tells the story of the biggest POW escape in World War II, and while it doesn't feature a battle or gunfighting, it is a riveting story which will entertain you thoroughly.

1. Saving Private Ryan

Some will disagree with this choice, however, "Ryan" is one of the most powerful and outstanding movies about World War II and the generation which fought in it. Spielberg's direction is impeccable, much as it was in his previous film about the era "Schindler's List". Tom Hanks is at his brilliant best, he hits a level that very few actors even possess, much less hit as regularly as Hanks seems to. Likewise, the supporting cast is brilliant. Damon is good as Private Ryan, but his screen time is limited. The rest of the cast was not known for their outstanding dramatic performances, but nonetheless deliver some of their best work. Vin Diesel is excellent in a supporting role, Tome Sizemore and Ed Burns are likewise outstanding in their roles, and once again, Barry Pepper steals every scene he is in, even from the outstanding Hanks. Saving Private Ryan is different from the movies directly above. I can watch Dirty Dozen or Great Escape time after time. Saving Private Ryan is different, you have to absorb it, its not for pleasure, its about the call of duty, and the men who answered.




That's my list, feel free to share your comments.

-Latin

A Monday/Tuesday Combo: Snakes on a Blog

Howdy folks. You may have noticed (but you probably didn't) that I did not post anything Monday morning. I decided to take the night off last night, a "personal day," you might call it. Or you might call it "I decided I'd rather watch Camp Rock than waste my time writing about something I'm not really interested in so a bunch of people who don't really care one way or another can have something to read tomorrow morning." Yeah, I think that has a nice ring to it.

Anyway, I'm back to plague your browsers with another round of my insights. Today, we'll be dealing with music videos; more specifically, awesome music videos that you need to see right now. For the record, this is not a list detailing the best music videos ever made (I'll save that for a Top 10 feature sometime). For one reason or another, most of these videos won't even land on my Top 10, but that doesn't diminish their awesomeness, and since they are awesome, you need to watch them immediately.

The first video is "Snakes on a Plane (Bring It)" by Cobra Starship:

Cobra Starship - New Music - More Music Videos

Note: I had to use the MTV.com version because the edited one is not on Youtube anywhere, and I can't, on behalf of this blog, condone the use of F-bombs, even if there is only one at the very beginning of the song. Sorry about the commercial.

While the video itself is not entirely amazing, the song, which was the theme song of the movie of the same name and played over the end credits, is epic and catchy as all get out. The video is worth watching just to hear the song, and it's cool enough in its own right (regardless of how you feel about the movie, the music video's tie-ins are nifty). This is the perfect song to listen to while you're, say, trying to drop your brother off at work in a hurry because you're late for work yourself. Trust me.

When I first heard of Cobra Starship, I thought they were a novelty super group that wasn't ever going to put out any real material other than this single to promote the already notorious movie Snakes on a Plane. Because this video features so many people from other bands (William Beckett from The Academy Is..., Travis McCoy from Gym Class Heroes, and Maja Ivarsson from The Sounds), I didn't realize that Cobra Starship was actually its own band, so I didn't pay much attention to them until recently. The namesake for this blog comes from Travis McCoy's inexplicable line at the end of the song. I'm not sure why he said "snakes on a blog," but he did, and this is a blog, so there you have it.

Also, as an added bonus, this isn't a music video, but I thought you might enjoy this hilarious clip of the FX edit of Samuel L. Jackson's infamous line from the aforementioned movie:







Since that last music video featured William Beckett, I figured that's a great transition to our next video by his band, The Academy Is..., "About A Girl"







Again, it's the song itself here that really shines, but the video does enhance it, particularly during the "to be loved" bridge, where William starts out making an earnest point and ends up in snide mockery of the concept he touted just a few seconds ago, aptly demonstrating the progression of the train of thought of one who is in such a position as the narrator of this song. The hefty doses of denial and irony are what make the lyrical content stand out, and musically I love the way the vocals and chords harmonize. I'm not a huge fan of The Academy Is..., but this is a great song.

Our final video features not one guy entranced by a female, but every guy in it, Weezer's latest offering, "(If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To"







Weezer usually has cool videos, and this one is no exception - I like the Weezerville concept and the kid bodies with the heads of the band members on them. My favorite thing about the video, though, is the way that its message departs from that of the song, which is striking, because I usually don't like when music videos do that. The "bros before hoes" attitude exemplified at the very end of the video, though, actually somewhat aligns itself with the lyrics (at least in terms of how Rivers Cuomo interacts with the girl at the end), making it suitable for the song and bringing a wacky video to a very satisfying and unexpected conclusion.

I hope I've drained your time in a culturally enriching fashion today. If you don't like these videos... well, your taste sucks and I can't help you.

-Billy

In Remembrance...

For those of you who are more historically inclined, you will recognize that today is December 7th, which happens to mark the 58th anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. I've always wondered why the date doesn't get more fanfare from the general public while 9/11 is revered. The truth of the matter is that 58 years ago, some of the bravest young men this country has ever turned out, in the truest act of bravery, gave their lives for the ultimate sacrifice. It seems to me, that gone are the days that America had a stomach for a fight, not that our men and women in uniform aren't up to the task, but rather the public and the media become so squeamish at the idea of bloodshed. December 7th should be a reminder to us that there is a responsibility and a cost that comes with our freedom.

Here is a recording of FDR's famous "Day of Infamy" speech after the attacks.




Also, for those of you with a love of classic war movies, I highly recommend the classic "Tora! Tora! Tora!". It may be a little more historical (read: boring) for those of you who prefer modern cinema, but it's much closer to the real events than the Hollywood-ized "Pearl Harbor". There used to be an online copy that floated around the free sites like Hulu, but that seems to be gone, so maybe you can find it on netflix, or (gasp) Blockbuster.


I might check back in later tonight with a fuller post, but for now, I wish you all a happy Monday, and never forget the freedoms that we have been given.


-Latin

Internet Special Ed: How to Post A Comment

Greetings readers, and thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to slog your way through all the muck that's on the internet in order to land here at our site. Since you're here, you've demonstrated that you have the presence of mind to decide on a website and the fine motor control necessary to operate a mouse and keyboard. I have to assume, however, that past that point, you're all brain-dead.

The reason I say this is that 25 different people navigated to this page yesterday (we keep track) and, despite being prompted numerous times by both Danny and myself, not a SINGLE BURGER FLIPPING PERSON participated in our game. I can only assume it's because somewhere along the line, you were neglected by internet culture, and no one ever taught you how to post a comment. Well friends, since I'm the kind of person that likes to reach out and help the less fortunate, I'm gonna forego (that's a big word for "skip") today's scheduled topic (the Top 10 list) and teach you guys how to do just that. I know that actually reading a blog entry is much too difficult for some of you, so I'm going to use pictures as much as possible to assist your understanding.


Step 1: Locating the Comment Link

Look for the title of the post (for example, today's title is "Internet Special Ed: How to Post A Comment"). Underneath that will be a description of the day of the week, date, and time that it was posted, along with the name of the person who posted the blog and any tags included in the post (if you don't know what a "tag" is, don't worry... it's a fairly complex element of a blog, especially for people at your stage of learning, so we won't get into that here). Directly to the right of that will be a hyperlink (one of those things that, if you click on it, takes you somewhere else) that says how many comments there currently are on the post. If you're still confused, look for the big red arrow pointing to the circle in the picture below.





In case that zoomed in version of the screen doesn't provide an accurate enough frame of reference, I've located the comment link for you on the Big Page:






Step 2: Opening the Comment Box

Place your mouse over the words that denote how many comments already exist on the page (your mouse arrow should turn into a little hand with a pointing finger), and press down on the mouse button. This is called "clicking." It will take you to the page where you can type out your comment in a little white box that looks like this:




Step 3: Selecting a Username

A "username" is a fancy term for a nickname that other people can call you on the internet. Now that you've opened the comment box, you want to pick the username to use on this comment. If you have a Google ID, you can use that (mine is Billy the Kid, for example, and I use that name to post blogs). However, if you do not have one (and I will assume for the purposes of this tutorial that you do not), you can choose to post anonymously, or to post without putting a name down at all. In order to do so, click the little downward arrow to the right of where it says "comment as." This will bring down a drop-down menu where you can select your type of username.




Click "Anonymous," which is highlighted in blue in the above picture.




It's going to get a little more difficult after this, so let's take a break for a minute. Go into the kitchen and grab a juice box and some animal crackers, and take a short nap if you're feeling worn out. You're going to need to be in top form for the next step.




Step 4: Writing Your Comment

Click inside the white box. If you know how to type properly, arrange your fingers on the keyboard in the appropriate fashion. If not, just try to locate the right letters as you go along and press the keys down with your index finger (the one you use to pick your nose). This is where the hard part comes in. Now you have to think of something to type into the box. When you get an idea, start typing. Once you're done, the result should look something like this:

Note: Using an exclamation point (!) requires use of the Shift key.
This is recommended only for advanced users.

It is appropriate to leave a name, even if you post anonymously. To do so, just place a dash in front of your name as pictured above.


Step 5: Posting Your Comment

Your hard work is finally about to pay off! The only thing left to do is click the button that says Post Comment. Once you do so, your comment will appear on the page underneath the post, directly above the comment box. Congratulations! You're published on the internet!





Hopefully this tutorial has been helpful to all of you kids. I'd challenge you to leave a comment right now, but I know that after the strain of all that learning, you probably don't have the energy, so I'll just take my leave until Monday. Enjoy the weekend.

-Billy

The 1st Official "Battle Royale: Battle for the Box Office"

Alrighty friends, believe it or not, we work hard here at Battle Royale to bring you content that is fun and entertaining, now we are looking for you guys to get in on the action. We are going to start a game here at Battle Royale, a game that we will play every Thursday morning. We are calling it the "Battle Royale: Battle for the Box Office". Every Thursday, Billy and I will pick our top 5 projections for the upcoming weekend box office returns. We will rank our selections 1-5 and post them here on Thursday morning. What we want you guys to do, is to play along. We aren't box office experts, and we don't have any inside information that you guys don't, all we are doing is having a little fun. So, every Thursday when you come here and read our predictions, post your predictions as a comment, and include either your name or a pseudonym. We will tally up the results every week and announce the weekly winners as well as post the overall scoreboard for the entire competition, that way you guys can play along and see if you have better luck picking the box office smashes from the busts.


The scoring will work this way. You will get 1 point for every movie which you correctly predict will be in the top 5, and you will get 2 points for every movie whose rank you guess exactly. For example, here is last weekend's top 5 box office hits:

1. New Moon- $43m
2. The Blind Side- $40m
3. 2010- $18m
4. Old Dogs- $17m
5. A Christmas Carol- $16m


So, if you guessed those 5 in exact order you would get:

1 point for each movie correctly in top 5- 5 points
2 points for each movie in correct position- 10 points

Total- 15 points


Pretty simple enough, 15 of course is the maximum number of points that you can get per week.

To help you out in your quest, here is the link to the weekend box office results (which we will also be using for our official results) courtesy of Box Office Mojo.

http://boxofficemojo.com/weekend/


The best way to guess the top 5 correctly is to examine the previous weekend's results, and then predict how the new releases will do, with that in mind, here is the link for the upcoming releases each week, again courtesy of Box Office Mojo.

http://boxofficemojo.com/schedule/


So, there you have it, we hope you will participate with us, as it will make it a little more enjoyable if I have more of a challenge than just beating up on Billy every week. With all that said, here are my picks for the top 5 movies of next weekend

1. The Blind Side
2. New Moon
3. Brothers
4. Armored
5. 2012

There you have it, the gauntlet has been thrown, let the games commence.


-Latin

Battle for the Box Office: Billy's Picks

Danny Latin posted a basic logo... I posted an even MORE basic one

Okay kids, you read what Danny Latin said up there (if you didn't, scroll up and read the rules and check out the links he posted as resources; it's a pretty simple and easy competition). This guy thinks he's a hotshot, so I want your help to show him why his picks for the weekend are wrong. Post your predictions for the weekend's top 5 box office draws as a comment and we'll see who's got the best eye for widespread movie appeal out of all of us. My picks are as follows:

1. New Moon
2. Armored
3. The Blind Side
4. A Christmas Carol
5. 2012

I think New Moon has enough of a hormone-crazed, lame romance junkie-fied teenage girl fanbase to squeeze another week out of the #1 spot. The Blind Side did enjoy a surge in popularity this past week, but I don't think that will last much longer because, frankly, it looks boring (there's no scientific basis for this, it's just my gut instinct talking here). That said, it's still new enough to take in more than A Christmas Carol and 2012, which have already been in theaters for 4 weeks and 3 weeks, respectively. A Christmas Carol gets the edge over 2012 simply because of the increasing proximity to Christmas and the fact that 2012's novelty is wearing off fast. The big newcomer here is Armored, which looks interesting enough for a strong opening (not to mention its popularity going up by over 400% this week in imdb), and its target demographic being large enough to compete with those of either New Moon or The Blind Side.

So there you have it. Let us know what your picks are; you don't need reasons, just an ordered list (although feel free to give reasons if you're so inclined). Just don't forget to include some sort of username with your comment so we can give credit to whoever earns the most points next week. And trust me, you want to be a part of this action... being in with this crowd is all the rage these days.

See you tomorrow.

-Billy

Personality of the Week: Justin Timberlake

News struck this week that a feature film version of Yogi Bear has begun filming. The reason I bring this up is because it features Justin Timberlake in the role of Boo Boo, which undoubtedly will lead to some comedic moments.

It intrigues me to view how Timberlake has reinvented himself over the years. His early years featured him as a too famous too fast pop tart, caught up in the adolescent fame of 'N Sync. Tabloids loved covering his many loves, including his famous relationship with fellow Mickey Mouse Club star Britney Spears. Adolescent girls everywhere went nuts over the hip Timberlake, meanwhile most of the male population of the United States rolled their eyes.

Timberlake's start to his solo career didn't go over much better, it initially looked as if he made a serious mistake leaving 'N Sync for the benefit of his own solo career, but slowly and surely he began to generate attention and praise for his solo work. His "Cry Me a River" based on his relationship with Spears, remains to this day one of his most popular works.



Just as it seemed Timberlake was on the path to further stardom, there came the infamous Superbowl 38 halftime show with Janet Jackson. The aftermath nearly got him and Jackson banned from the '04 Grammys, instead, Timberlake issued an apology and promptly won 2 Grammys for his work.

After that, Timberlake began to dabble in movies, including Alpha Dog and Shrek the 3rd. He got his big solo break in 2007 with the hit single "Sexyback".

However, it's Timberlake's recent activities that have raised the eyebrows of not only the female population, but America's men as well. Quite simply, Timberlake has become one of the funniest men in the states. His performances on Saturday Night Live have become instant classics, and he has become so well liked on the show that he has become sort of an unofficial cast member, even joking about his performances.




He seems to have at least temporarily settled down with Jessica Biel, and has established himself as a powerhouse in music, television, and film. His recent commercials with Peyton Manning are some of the best, and again show off his charisma and knack for humor.

Timberlake is no longer simply one of the boys in 'N Sync, and he no longer has to endure the spite of men. He has widened his appeal and expanded his influence. While others have struggled with fame, and melted under controversy, Timberlake has succesfully navigated the troubles he has faced, and has frequently taken the high road when it comes to rumor and speculation.

While I never was one to like 'N Sync, and always found Timberlake annoying, he has succesfully made a fan out of me with his SNL appearances and laid back persona. For once, somebody has actually lost their diva side, and branded themself as a down to earth entertainer, and the response has overwhelmingly been positive.

Here's hoping that more follow Timberlake's example of how to manage a career, but I'm not exactly holding my breath.

As always, enjoy the day and join us tomorrow.

-Latin

Weekly Wish List: The Droid

The Droid is, right now, at the top of my Wish List, which is to say that if I could afford one, I'd certainly look into getting it. I can't afford it, so it will remain right there on the list, for possibly as long as forever, but that doesn't suppress my interest.



As far as technical specs are concerned, the Droid has a 3.7" screen, a 5 megapixel camera (with a flash), and a slide-out keyboard. Its display is the largest on the market and has a striking 270 pixels per inch, and 5 megapixels is at the higher end of the resolution spectrum for a camera phone (not to mention the virtually uneard of flash, allowing for pictures to be taken in minimal lighting conditions). For the sake of convenience as one who loves to take pictures, having a camera that good built into a phone is appealing to me. Possibly my favorite thing about the Droid is its full sliding keyboard, an aspect that its main competitor, the iPhone, lacks. Typing on a touchscreen keyboard, to me, is about as easy as trying to grab a goldfish out of a bucket of water with your bare hands... it makes my digits feel unwieldy, useless blocks of wood, so having solid buttons to press is always a plus.

In addition, the Droid has an interchangeable battery, which is specifically being highlighted as an advantage the Droid has over the iPhone. While that's nice, it's not really a make-or-break aspect for me (how many people actually swap phone batteries anyway?), nor is the claim that it can run simultaneous apps. On the other hand, I'm relatively unfamiliar with the smartphone lifestyle, so maybe being able to run two apps at once is a very good thing. All of these features set the Droid a notch above the iPhone, in my opinion (and you can Click Here for a reasonably in-depth comparison of the two machines, if you want more detail), but what really has me sold is the way Verizon is marketing the Droid. Check out this commercial, one of my recent favorites:





Finally someone is giving Apple a taste of its own medicine. For years, I've been enduring those insufferably self-righteous "I'm a Mac... and I'm a PC" commercials that don't so much advertise Macs as they do bash on PCs. Now, Verizon is pointing out the shortcomings of an Apple product, and the result is not only beautifully accurate, but cleverly and seasonally implemented. Before the Droid was even launched, Verizon came out swinging with those "Everything iDon't... Droid does" spots that aired frequently during the MLB playoffs. Anyone with the guts to take on Apple so boldly gets my vote from the start, and doing it with a product that has more to speak of than the iPhone is a solid plan.

In a nutshell, I want the Droid because it's a cool gadget in its own right (cooler, even, than the iPhone), and as an added bonus, it's the first product I know of that is using Apple's own proven marketing formula and air of superiority against them. That's a winning combination I'd like to see more of in the future.

-Billy

Over/Under of the Week: Adam Sandler

So, for the column today, I decided to go in a different direction, rather than give you either something overrated or something underrated, I decided to pick a topic, and then give you both an under and overrated item from that topic.

Today, that topic will be the much maligned Adam Sandler.

Sandler has never been on the same page as film critics. Critics tend to see film as an expression of art and technical talent, Sandler has always seen film as pure entertainment. It's obvious that Sandler enjoys his movies, after all, who wouldn't. He brings in some of the best actors in the business for his films, goofs around and has fun, and then makes tons of money. Sandler will doubtfully ever win an Oscar or gain critical recognition on a large scale, but its good to remember sometimes that film is more than just stuck up critics who don't even have a good time at movies. With that said, oftentimes Sandler can leaving you feel a little burned out from all the yelling. So with a nod to both parties lets look at the under and overrated gems from Sandler's past.


OVERRATED: You Don't Mess with the Zohan




Sandler has seemingly always had 3 gears. His most comfortable gear is the over the top stupidity and guy humor. He's loud, obnoxious, learns his lesson, gets the girl, and has a bunch of laughs. A solid majority of his movies fall into this category, it's what gives him his brand and makes him money.

His second gear is still primarily the loud obnoxious humor, but this time is isn't a blabbering idiot, and he actually is trying to make a "touching" point. These include: Click, 50 First Dates, Bedtime Stories, The Wedding Singer, Big Daddy, and you could argue Mr. Deeds. Sandler seemed to make a natural progression to this style as he matured, and now more and more of his movies start falling into this section.

Finally, there is the Adam Sandler who must just like to mess around with critics, beccause he pulls out a dramatic, somber performance, and often gets rather favorable reviews. Funny People, Reign Over Me, Spanglish, and Punch Drunk Love, that's the entire list. The latter even garnered Sandler a Golden Globe nomination, and widespread critical praise. Sandler has shown off this side of himself more and more, though we never can be sure when this Sandler will decide to show up.

Unfortunately, even as it seemed Sandler might have been finding a happy medium in his life, he decided to release "Zohan" and show us just how crude he could still be. However, this time, his crude humor wasn't as funny as his classics like "Happy Gilmore" and "Billy Madison", and instead of just being adolescently crude, he amped up the sexual content and innuendo, and the result was a rather unfunny movie which featured all too many cringe worthy sex references.

Shockingly, some people ate it up. Ebert called it one of his favorite Sandler movies ever and actually LIKED it, which, if you know Ebert and Sandler, you know thats virtually a sign of the apocalypse.

Now, I like Sandler, and I'm a fan of most of his movies. However, "Zohan" struck me as amateurish in a way that his younger movies never did, maybe I just came to expect more from Sandler over the years, but "Zohan" was a major bust in my book.


2 out of 10 Elliots

(In honor of my inaugural Mustache Column, I will be rating things on a scale of 1 to 10 Sam Elliots)




UNDERRATED: Big Daddy





At the other end of the spectrum, is a Sandler movie that was released during the height of his Happy Gilmore/Wedding Singer popularity, and yet kind of missed the boat.

Big Daddy is one of the first Sandler movies to really push into the second phase of his film making. It still has his trademark insults and rebellious streak, but it forgoes the psychotic of Happy Gilmore, and the idiot of Billy Madison and The Waterboy. Unfortunately, because studios want to make money, "Big Daddy" was marketed as another Sandler stupid comedy. The posters and DVD case feature the stars peeing on a door, alienating people looking for a decent feel good story, and then surprising kids when it wasn't the same stupid old Sandler punching celebrities and shouting like a moron.

At its heart, Big Daddy is actually a pretty good story about a drowning loser who misses the past, and the little boy who saves him. It features a young Dylan Sprouse, who would later star in one of my favorite TV movies "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause" before becoming a Disney Channel star with "The Suite Life of Zac and Cody." Also featuring Joey Lauren Adams, fairly fresh off of "Chasing Amy", Leslie Mann, who he would again star with in "Funny People", and of course a slew of recurring Sandler friends, including the always funny Steve Buscemi, and actually, one of Rob Schneider's better Sandler cameos. Big Daddy is one of Sandler's best, and it holds up well over time. If you think you might want to give Sandler a chance after seeing some of his newer stuff, I advise you to check out Big Daddy, if you already are a Sandler fan, pull this off the shelf some night, it may not get the same pedigree as Happy Gilmore, but its Sandler at his best, funny, but subdued.

6 out of 10 Elliotts


Thats all for today folks, as always, have a great day and check back tomorrow.

-Latin

Testosterone Alley: Driving Like a Real MAN

Turn signals, brakes, appropriate reaction times, common sense - what do all four of these have in common? They're fundamental aspects of operating a motor vehicle which must be implemented effectively if you want to stay out of trouble on the road. Of course, all people of legal driving age know this... but it takes more than just knowledge the basics to drive like a real MAN. We men often find ourselves in dangerous situations; it's in our very nature to tackle the most death-defying challenges, to defeat the odds and come out on top, whether via brute force, intellect and skill, or a combination of both. To drive like a man, especially a man in the midst of trouble, you have to stretch reality to the limits of its feasibility, to have mastery over the very laws of physics themselves. Today, Battle Royale brings you a four-step guide that will have you driving like a MAN in no time.



1. Eliminate environmental threats

Let's say you need to get from Point A to Point B really quickly. The only problem is... there's a bomb fastened to the bottom of your car. You've got places to be, so don't even THINK about stopping. You have to figure out a way to get rid of the bomb while on the move, and here's where our first lesson in physics-bending comes in, courtesy of one Frank Martin, also known as the Transporter:



As you can see, the first thing you need to do is find an incline, but not just any old incline; it has to be positioned in such a fashion that only one side of your car will actually hit the makeshift ramp. This way, as you fly through the air, your car will perform a spiral (in the manner of a good football pass) and, if done correctly, will hit the ground in the perfect upright position. This is pretty basic stuff if you're just trying to impress the ladies. But you're NOT looking to show off right now, you're looking to show off while REMOVING A BOMB.

The tricky part lies in finding something to scrape the bomb off the bottom of the car. In a textbook case, there will be a crane hanging in just the right spot to assist you with this... but we all know that MEN don't operate by the book, we do things our OWN WAY. If there's no crane available, a flagpole, scaffolding, street light, billboard, or any other object that juts out into the air will do the trick in a pinch. Try it out for yourself, see what works for you.



2. Increase altitude to avoid obstacles

You ditched the bomb on your car, but it went off just after you dislodged it. The resulting explosion alerted the cops, and now they think you're the perpetrator. They're hot on your trail... so how do you get away? We now turn to the one and only Batman for our second lesson in manly driving:



The first thing you need to do in this case is survey the scene. Keep a cool head, make sure your poisoned love interest (optional) doesn't get too upset about the fact that she could be dead in a matter of minutes; you don't have time for distractions like that. If, as you careen through the streets, you still can't lose the fuzz, then don't restrict yourself simply to driving on the ground. The simplest solution is, as was demonstrated, to find a parking garage, traverse the ramps until you get to the top, and crash through the wall, barreling forward across the rooftops until you intersect with a bridge. At that point, it's a safe bet that the police haven't been able to follow you for some time.

Of course, not all of us have the limitless funds necessary to secure a vehicle that can in fact break down concrete barriers like that, so you may have to get a little more resourceful. You've already proven that you're adept enough to lift your car off the ground, so the only thing you need now is another incline to lift you over the wall at the top of the parking garage. Perhaps there are some haphazardly placed and unsecured metal beams, or an unoccupied piece of construction equipment; whatever the case, in these dangerous scenarios, there's always stuff laying around where it shouldn't be, so make use of the random junk at your disposal... it doesn't take Ninja training to figure that one out.



3. Your car isn't just a vehicle... it's a weapon

The cops and their pathetic squad cars have been unable to stop you, and so, watching you fly through the air, they decided to bring in an airborne vehicle of their own. Suddenly, you're staring down a helicopter, complete with a rifle-firing maniac hanging out the side. No amount of roof-hopping will get you away from that... your only choice is to neutralize the threat, John McClane style:



By now you're a pro at achieving liftoff with your car, but this is more than just your average jump: this one requires precision, timing, and, most of all, a good eye for the trajectory of a car hurtling through the air.

After you make the tough decision to abandon your car, you have to ascertain whether or not your ramp of choice is in the proper position to strike the helicopter. This shouldn't be too difficult, simply because you are a MAN and as such can ensure that anything in your path (including tollbooths) can indeed propel your car off the ground. Antagonists of this nature rarely take into account this fact and will likely position themselves behind what they think is cover, only to find out that you will use that "cover" to launch your car at them and send them to a fiery doom.

The really hard part is knowing when to bail. If you jump out too early, your car might not have the momentum it needs to achieve maximum height; too late and you're going down in flames as well, or at least losing your legs as your car scrapes along the tollbooth (or what have you) ahead. This is where being a MAN really comes in handy. Reaction time is key at this point, and if you focus (i.e. don't panic like a little girl), your inner Awesome should see you through. When the time is right, jump, tuck, roll, and enjoy the show.



4. No car? No problem.

You've removed a bomb, escaped the police, and blown up a helicopter... but you still haven't reached Point B yet, and now you've destroyed your ride. Running is for weenies, and besides, you need to get there NOW, so what do you do? Take a page out of the James Bond playbook (you may want to take a moment to let it load, as the specific scene comes about 4 minutes into the video):



Any poser can hop into the nearest experimental watercraft and blast out onto the open seas, but your destination is on dry ground. To get there, find a boathouse (preferably one that has a ramp leading into the water; ramps are a key theme here) and use it to access the nearest road. With your mastery of physics by this point, taking corners on a street in a vehicle that has no wheels or brakes should be no trouble at all. And now that you're so close to your goal, don't let ANYTHING stand in your way. Keep forging ahead at all costs (blaring away on your little boat horn, of course, to alert innocent bystanders), no matter how many buildings you have to crash through. Eventually you'll arrive at your destination, even manlier than you were than when you began your journey.



And that's it, folks: four simple steps to driving like a real MAN. If you're reading this and you're not a man, don't worry... I'm sure there's a man out there who would be willing to bring you along as his poisoned female counterpart, and then you can take in all the Awesome firsthand.

Check back with us tomorrow for more adventures in pop culture.

-Billy

Case of the Mondays

"BILLY!" you're saying to yourself right now, "YOU'RE SO CLEVER!" Yes, yes, I know this very well. After all, I rip lines out of Office Space and use them as blog titles as only the best pop culture commentators can. But for all the self-deprecating chatter wasting precious screen space here, there is actually a purpose behind my use of that phrase beyond the fact that today is Monday. You see, Peter Gibbons, the central character of Office Space, attained a degree of success and renown in his office by breaking out of the traditional routine and doing things his own way. Likewise, I'm shirking the prescribed format (when I started writing the Weekly Glance Back column, it required a wall of boring factual background before I was able to get to the good stuff, and no one wants to sit through all that) in favor of something that will, hopefully, interest you much more.

Today, I bring to you, oh dear reader, something I stumbled on over the weekend: a flash game called The Company of Myself.

Click Here to Play The Company of Myself

In this game, you play as an unnamed man who, for some reason, has become a hermit, and so must solve his problems entirely on his own esteem. In order to complete the levels, you take certain actions in each level and then, by hitting the space bar, replicate the actions you just took in the form of a ghost man who does everything exactly as you just did it, leaving you free to do other things. In this manner, you can use yourself to get a boost up to a higher ledge, carry yourself across a bridge, and so on. In some levels you can only replicate yourself once; in others, you can replicate yourself an infinite number of times. This type of gameplay creates a number of interesting possibilities, and makes you take a different approach to virtually every level, so the game never gets stale.


While the gameplay is certainly novel and challenging in its own right, there's a level of depth behind this game that you don't usually see in such offerings. If you do choose to play it (and I strongly recommend that you do), don't just skip the intro sequence, because it lays the foundation for the intriguing story of the game. In fact, the game itself is, as the narrator describes it, an allegory for the story that he is telling, and as you play through each level, he gives you insights into what he thinks and feels. While graphically sparse, the music is superbly atmospheric, at times whimsical and at others almost sinister. If you start playing this game, please, PLEASE play it through to the end, and sit through the end credits (they're not very long)... it's worth the time and effort to see the haunting conclusion of this tale.

If you start the game and have trouble at any point, I'm including a video walkthrough, but I'd advise you not to watch it unless you really need it... that said, enjoy the game.



-Billy

Monday Morning Pathfinder: Heavy Rain- PS3

By now you probably have figured out that I'm an avid fan of the Playstation 3. As such I consider it my sworn duty to educate the general public about the goings on in the PS3 world.


Heavy Rain is currently in development and slated for a February 2010 release. It is developed by French studio Quantic Dream, makers of Omikron and Indigo Prophecy. Quantic Dream specializes in rather abnormal games, and Heavy Rain is no different. The story is based on the pursuit of a serial killer and set in a small city. There are four playable characters each interwoven into the story. Don't expect a shooter, this game appears to be a mystery suspense game. It looks similar in feel to the Silent Hill series, however, the story remains grounded in reality and shies away from the supernatural.

The game also alters traditional movement, using the PS3 triggers to control movement speed. This will be an interesting use for the "squishy" triggers of the PS3, and we will look expectantly to see how the system performs.

The gameplay will focus on the search for clues and pursuit of the killer, and the themes are supposed to comment on the price and value of love and how far someone is willing to go for love. There also will be included a system where the player can bring up potential thoughts of the character and follow the lines of thought in a certain way. Using certain lines of thought at wrong times will lead the character down a dark and dangerous path, and ultimately will result in action scenes which will rely heavily on quick time events to resolve, so if you aren't a fan of quick time events, you may want to steer clear. However, unlike shooters which throw random quick time events in just to mess with you, here the events seem to fit with the suspense and reaction, the system looks fairly fluid and apparently there is some sort of timer system to guide you. However, there is no second chance for messing up.

One of the unique things about this game is the progression of the game. You begin by playing as one character, if your choices and actions lead you to an untimely death, there is no red screen of blood and the the words "loading", rather, the game continues and you assume control of a different character, and the story adapts based upon the death. If all four characters wind up dying, the story resolves and the game ends. It present a fluidity and continuity to the game that has rarely if ever been seen before. No doubt this will exasperate many gamers who simply want to rush a bunker and blow away the bad guys, but if you are the type who enjoys the more psychological thrillers, Heavy Rain seems like one of the more interesting games to come along in a long time.






As always folks, enjoy your Monday if you can, and check back in with us tomorrow.



-Latin

Weekend Top 10: Christmas Songs

Well folks, I was going to get this up on Friday, which is our usual schedule, but the holiday busyness just had me too tired, so its going up now.

As Billy mentioned below, Christmas season seems to get earlier and earlier each year, but seeing as we are now past Thanksgiving, the Christmas holiday season has hit full steam. As such, you will start hearing Christmas music wherever you go, from your barber down the street, to the mall, to the radio station that has been playing hard rock the entire year.

With that in mind, we present our inaugural top 10 list. The top 10 Christmas songs of all time. For purposes of this list, we are steering clear of caroling classics like "Silent Night" and "Deck the Halls". Instead we examine some of the best Christmastime classics from the distant and not so distant past.


10. It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas- Perry Como
One of the great voices of a generation, Como's classic is still heard everywhere during the holiday season, and for good reason. It remains one of the greatest Christmas songs ever.



9. Blue Christmas- Elvis
Not as widely played as some of the others here, but Blue Christmas is still a classic, and that trademark croon has still managed to sneak its way into many a movie or commercial.




8. Let It Snow- Dean Martin
One of the best voices ever, and a classic tune. I'm more than partial to Martin's version. Then again, I'm more than partial to anything that includes Martin, who remains one of the most talented people to ever walk the earth.



7. White Christmas- Bing Crosby
For years, this was the King of Christmas music. Written of course by Irving Berlin for his movie of the same name, Crosby's version is held in the highest regard possible.



6. Baby It's Cold Outside- Zooey Deschanel and Will Ferrell
The common mistake with this song is that the defining version is sung by Doris Day and Bing Crosby. Actually, it wasn't Bing and Doris, it was Margaret Whiting and Johnny Mercer. Regardless, I actually prefer the version from Elf, Deschanel's voice is perfect for the song, and Ferrell aint so bad himself.



5. I'll Be Home For Christmas- Michael Buble
Lot's of different versions out there. The Carpenters version is likewise very solid, but Buble nailed this version in my opinion.




4. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas- Frank Sinatra
You knew old blue eyes had to be on the list. Sinatra's version is classic and soulful. Great song.




3. The Christmas Song- Nat King Cole
Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe help to make a season bright, if not, just let Nat tell you again, and again.




2. All I Want For Christmas is You- Mariah Carey
While Billy will undoubtedly argue night and day for My Chemical Romance's version, Carey gets the nod here. Almost an instant classic when she released it, this song shows off her considerable vocal talent while also delivering a catchy modern pop classic, a rarity for Christmas songs.




1. Holly Jolly Christmas- Burl Ives
In my mind, only one man could top this list. While Billy prefers the excellent Andy Williams, I don't consider it Christmas season until I hear Burl on my radio.




That's my list for the holidays, many of you may have different classics that get you in the spirit, let me know what you think.

-Latin

Pet Peeve: When Does the Christmas Season Actually Start?

If you're still foggy as to what this column is about after reading the title, this is where we set aside some time each week to gripe about stuff that bugs us in popular culture. The pet peeve of the week is, in contextually appropriate fashion, the ambiguity of the start of the Christmas season.

When does the Christmas season begin, exactly? That's a bit of a tough question to answer, due largely to what I like to call the "Christmas creep." Christmas creep is the amount of time every year (or period of years) that the season is extended into fall by the mass media. To demonstrate: when I was younger, about 9 years old or so, radio stations used to play Christmas music for about 48 hours, starting early on Christmas Eve and ending at midnight after Christmas Day. Then, when I was 14, one station started playing Christmas music 24 hours a day for an entire week before Christmas. Then, the next year, a different station started playing it 24/7 the day after Thanksgiving. This year, that same radio station started playing Christmas music nonstop on Veterans' Day. See how it works?

While I know that there can't really be a set date for the Christmas season to start, I wish people would start using their heads about this kind of thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Grinch; I love Christmas as much as the next guy (or possibly more, if the next guy is in fact a Grinch), I just think the start of the season is being pushed to its limits. It seemed even more widespread this year than it has in years past, with many people admitting via Facebook status updates that they were getting into the spirit early this year. Again, there's nothing really wrong with that, I just don't think it makes a whole lot of sense to be chopping down trees and singing Christmas carols before Thanksgiving even comes.

It's an upside down tree. You know, to symbolize the error
of starting the season too early. It works, right? Right?

To me, the arrival of Santa Claus at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is clearance for the season to officially begin. Even then, there's still Thanksgiving dinner to be had before you rush into all the Christmas festivities, but at least Santa has given you his blessing by that time. When you start getting all Christmas-y before you've even reached the halfway point of November, I think your priorities are a little out of whack. I mentioned how early the season was starting a while ago, and it was pointed out to me that it will never start before Halloween, because Halloween is such a big deal these days as well. That's true enough, but if you go to any major retail outlet the day after Halloween, the Christmas decorations are coming out. I know Thanksgiving isn't a big consumer holiday, and I suppose that's where the heart of it all lies, but it is still a national holiday, and I think we should abstain from Christmas related activities (barring shopping) until after it passes.

Alas, the Christmas creep just keeps on creeping, and since the media is such a powerful force in our lives, it's hard not to jump right in the first time we hear "Happy Holidays" by Andy Williams (I realize this isn't the most traditional of Christmas songs, but I play it every year to kick off the season, if only because I think the phrase "hoop dee doo and dickery dock" is hilarious). Personally, I'll hold off on the festivities until Black Friday. It only makes sense; Black Friday is the official start of the Christmas shopping season, and it's the day after the last major holiday before Christmas. If you do it that way, you don't encroach on any other holidays' turf, and you still get about a month's worth of Christmas cheer. Plus, you save me the annoyance of having to listen to Christmas music before I'm in the mood for it. It is, as Michael Scott would say, a win-win-win situation.

So there's your pet peeve for the week, the first of many to come, and in the future they'll arguably be much more vehement than this. Starting Christmas early does annoy me, but not nearly so much as a myriad of other things in pop culture, but since it's Black Friday, this seemed like a good time to showcase my views on the subject. Incidentally, since it is Black Friday, and the Christmas season has officially started, I will leave you with a treat:



-Billy

A Special Holiday Message From Will Smith

"HAPPY FANKSGIVIN"

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours wherever you may be.


Enjoy the day, and of course, the 1 year anniversary of this:

Battle Royale Presents: Bad Call of the Week

Welcome friends to our inaugural installment of "Battle Royale Bad Call of the Week", where we will examine some of the more questionable choices made during the week.

I thought about using this space to give my thoughts on the Adam Lambert fiasco that is hot news around the town, but I decided against it due to the incessant commentary. (In a nutshell here are my thoughts: Obviously America doesn't have a huge problem with sexually diverse artists, see: Elton John, Freddie Mercury, but Lambert pushed the bounds of decency too far, he needs to realize he is an entertainer, and entertainers need fans. It's usually a good idea to build a good rep behind you before you go and start controversy. Lambert doesn't have the rep that say, Eminem does, he won't get the same groundswell of support if he continues to cross the line.)

So, rather than comment on Lambert, I decided to tackle a different pop star's questionable moves, Miley Cyrus.

Now, while Miley obviously has had her share of controversy (between the Annie Leibovitz photo shoot and her own personal photo shoots) she also hasn't been quite the train wreck that some previous young pop stars have been. She seems to have gotten through the controversy better than Vanessa Hudgens got through hers, and of course, there is always Lindsay Lohan there to make everyone else look better.

However, Miley has had a rough week. First, of course came the tragic accident that claimed the life of one of the tour drivers. A sad occurrence, and one that Miley obviously had nothing to do with. However, later came reports that Miley ripped into a fast food worker when he failed to recognize her when she placed her order. You can get away with saying "do you know who I am" when you are Jerry Seinfeld on Larry King, it doesn't go over so well when you are an underage pop princess who thinks she is important.

However, for the truly Bad Call of the Week. We turn to Miley's recently released comments about the Twilight series. In a Tuesday interview on Sirius Satellite Radio, Miley commented that she feels the Twilight craze is "a cult" and that "people get too into it".

As opposed to Hannah Montana...

Now, I'm not a Twilight fan, and It's tough for me to defend a film franchise that is vastly overrated, but Miley may want to rethink some things here. First of all, many people (myself included) could say: "excuse me, Miss Cyrus, but weren't you also the benefactor of a huge craze among young people, who viewed you and your brand with the same psychotic love that the Twilight series now generates?"

Hannah Montana was as much of a pointless craze as the current Twilight craze is, and seemingly Miley has forgotten this fact.

Secondly, I'm not a huge fan of throwing the word "cult" around about actors in a movie. There is a big difference between Rob Pattinson playing a Vampire in a movie, and the tragedies that were "Heaven's Gate" and Jim Jones and his Kool Aid. I may not be a big fan of the Twilight movies, but I realize that they are indeed just movies, and not some sort of nefarious scheme to take over the minds of teenage girls.

He drinks blood, not Kool Aid...

Overall, the last two incidents have made Miley come across as prissy, and self-important. Those qualities have a habit of leading to bad things in young female pop stars. Miley would do better to imitate the easy-going, down-to-earth style of Taylor Swift, rather than the self-important ways that plagued Britney, Paris, and Lindsay.

So, Miley Cyrus, you get the first Battle Royale Bad Call of the Week, here's hoping you manage to stay off the list in the future.


-Latin

The Review Column: New Moon

Today, for the first entry in our weekly review series, I will be examining The Twilight Saga: New Moon. For all you Twihards out there who were well pleased that Taylor Lautner was lauded as Personality of the Week yesterday, buckle up, because you're in for a ride here.


Let me start off by giving you an inclination as to how I felt about the first Twilight movie: it was, in a word, bad. That's not to say it wasn't entertaining; surely I was intrigued by where the story was taking me, and it held my attention for the duration of its two hour run. Upon a second viewing, however, once I already knew everything that was going to happen, I couldn't help but notice how poorly it was made. The editing was choppy, the shot composition left something to be desired (a few too many extreme close-ups, if you ask me), the direction was sub-par, and the acting was pretty stinkish. I did get a good laugh out of Edward's initial reaction upon seeing Bella though. And vampire baseball? In postproduction, somebody must have thought "This concept on its face isn't quite ludicrous enough. I know... let's play 'Supermassive Black Hole' by Muse over the scene. That should make it suitably ridiculous." I won't even get into any of the other absurdities, but I can say that in a movie full of unintentional humor and bored actors, Billy Burke as Charlie Swan and his bits of comic relief were just that: a welcome relief. Ultimately, Twilight was a reasonably engaging but poorly produced story. But enough about the first movie.

I found that, in some areas where Twilight failed, New Moon succeeded. For example, the acting wasn't quite as bad this time around; Robert Pattinson wasn't a total spaz and, at points, seemed to actually care about what was going on. For most of his time onscreen, though, he was his normal aloof self. Kristen Stewart put in what was probably the best performance of her life; at times it almost seemed like she too was more than just a drugged-out robot. Maybe it's just the moody tone of the movie or the brooding natures of the roles, but both Pattinson and Stewart rarely show any emotion via facial expressions, which gives their characters all the personality of two dry chunks of wood. In Pattinson's defense, I think it may just be the role, because I saw a trailer before the movie in which he was featured, and he seemed pretty animated. Stewart, on the other hand, may as well have been playing Bella Swan when she starred in Adventureland, so I'm guessing her interest deficiency is rooted either in her acting ability or her own natural personality.

This is Bella's pensive face. It's also her happy face,
angry face, excited face, sad face, shocked face,
embarrassed face, relieved face, and hungry face.

Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black was also featured much more prominently in New Moon, and as I've already said, he's actually interesting and fun to watch. His character is real and human, someone you can actually relate to, which makes his time on screen that much more valuable than Edward's. Incidentally, Edward spends about half the movie away in Italy, which is just great, because Jacob's dynamic with Bella is far more engrossing than her surreal relationship with Edward.

The biggest problem with New Moon is that, even though it upped the quality a little bit in a few departments, it actually fails in most of the places where Twilight succeeded. My major complaint is that the pacing... in New Moon... is sooooooooooo... slooooooooooow. They took an hour and a half worth of movie and stretched it out to two hours and ten minutes by riddling the dialogue with a mind-bending number of pregnant pauses. Did I mention that there is a veritable metric ton of dialogue? Then there's the plot progression. In the first movie, a setting was established and events were moved forward, however angstily. Bella moves to Forks, Washington, makes friends, meets Edward Cullen, develops an awkward fixation for him, is conflicted by said fixation, learns he's a vampire, struggles to wrap her mind around that fact, spends quality time with his oddly accommodating family, and then, in the most interesting 20 minutes or so, gets chased by a gang of evil vampires who have been hunting people and sucking their blood before being cornered and caught in the middle of a relatively cool vampire fight scene. In New Moon... well, we find out that Jacob is a werewolf. And about half an hour in, after Edward leaves, Bella and Jacob talk. A lot. A majority of the movie is a giant DTR (that's "define the relationship," kids) conversation between Bella and Jacob... and this, aside from the few werewolf action scenes, is the most interesting stuff that happens in the whole film (again, thanks in large part to Taylor Lautner).

Effectively though, I can't really figure out exactly what happened in New Moon that warranted making it its own installment. Aside from the conflicting signals that Bella consistently gave Jacob, the revelation that Jacob was part of a really cool unit of werewolves, and Edward running off to Italy to be an emo kid, basically nothing really happened at all. In fact, speaking of Italy, I don't even know what bearing that sequence had on the rest of the movie. I could plop New Moon into Windows Movie Maker, completely cut out the entire half hour chunk where they go to Italy to see the Volturi, and the continuity of the film would be totally unaffected (if I did that, though, you'd miss out on Dakota Fanning's glorified cameo, wherein she stared intensely at Edward for a few moments). If they don't introduce zombies as another movie monster faction in Eclipse and build up to some kind of apocalyptic war between all these groups, I'm not really sure where this story is gonna go.

Charlie Swan's backyard in Breaking Dawn (fingers crossed)

Upon my initial viewing of New Moon, I decided it was better than Twilight, and by and large, the production quality actually was improved. After digesting it for a while, though, I've concluded that the reason I liked it more at first was because Jacob is just a cooler character than Edward, and this movie features Jacob. The film achieves very little in the area of plot progression, the pacing is way too slow, and it failed to draw me in, even in the capacity that the first one did.

The Verdict:

AWESOME
Sweet
Okay
Meh
Poopy



-Billy