Tuesday's Testosterone Alley: Mustache Edition

For as long as there have been men, there has been the mustache. We may never know which man among boys first decided to shave all the hair off of his face EXCEPT for the wispy strands beneath his nose. Perhaps he was distracted in the middle of his morning shave and walked out of his hut with the glory of his mustache in full view of his tribe. Or perhaps it was a cold calculated decision, designed to make himself a king among the nations. Whatever it was, for centuries men have copied and adapted his style, here are some of the best, and the worst.


1. "The Larry Bird"



Wispy and faint, this mustache is low on manliness and style. To date, Larry Legend is the only man to have any success rocking this look. This look can also be called the "Girl 'Stache".

Also sported by: Weird Al Yankovic, John Heder

Style: 1/10
Manliness: 1/10
Track Record: 3/10


2. "The Geraldo Rivera"



Basically the "Captain Morgan" without the accompanying goatee. The "Geraldo" is for the man who thinks he is a devilish rogue, but doesn't have the guts to go for it all.

Also Sported by: Freddie Mercury, Mario

Style: 4/10
Manliness: 3/10
Track Record: 2/10


3. "The Salvador Dali"



Greased and styled, the "Dali" is thin and waxed, favored by those trying to standout and give off the oddball impression. Make no mistake though, it takes some serious talent to grow one of these.

Also Sported by: Rollie Fingers, Captain Hook

Style: 6/10
Manliness: 3/10
Track Record: 4/10


4. "The Alex Trebek"



Full but neat, graying but manly, distinguished but roguish, the "Trebek" is a staple of lively gentlemen who still have that devilish spryness about them.

Also Sported by: Dick Van Dyke, Mike Ditka

Style: 6/10
Manliness: 5/10
Track Record: 5/10


5. "The Yanni"



Full but groomed, the Yanni is more civilized than its brothers "The Selleck" and "The Geraldo". "The Yanni" looks like it was just pulled out of the prop closet and neatly put in place 5 minutes ago.

Also Sported by: Peter Sellers, Robert Goulet

Style: 7/10
Manliness: 6/10
Track Record: 4/10


6. "The Captain Morgan"



A favorite of rebels and scallywags, the "Captain Morgan" features a styled mustache paired with a pointed, thin goatee for a full effect that is equal parts devil and hero.

Also Sported by: Mel Gibson, Mickey Rourke

Style: 8/10
Manliness: 7/10
Track Record: 3/10


7. "The Clark Gable"



Neat and minimalist, The "Gable" is not as wispy or wild as the "Larry Bird", but is understated and mature. The choice of classic ladies men. The "Gable" sacrifices full-on manliness for style and sophistication.

Also Sported by: Errol Flynn, Brad Pitt

Style: 8/10
Manliness: 5/10
Track Record: 6/10


8. "The Lando Calrissian"



The choice of solid black men for decades, the "Lando" is dignified and strong. A sign of power and a sharp dressed man.

Also Sported by: Eddie Murphy, Carl Weathers

Style: 7/10
Manliness: 7/10
Track Record: 8/10


9. "The Burt Reynolds"



Burt has a history with the mustache that no one else can match. He has experimented with style after style, adapting with age. The classic "Reynolds" is a slightly overgrown "Yanni" with a downward turn. He also has sported the "Selleck" and the "Trebek" over the years, giving him a place in the mustache history books.

Also Sported by: No one else, it's just Burt.

Style: 8/10
Manliness: 9/10
Track Record: 8/10


10. "The Tom Selleck"



A legend among mustaches, "The Selleck" is bold and proud. It aspires to one day be as strong as its big brother "The Elliot", but in the meantime "The Selleck" is a formidable force of its own.

Also Sported by: Dale Earnhardt, Daniel Day Lewis

Style: 8/10
Manliness: 9/10
Track Record: 9/10


11. "The Sam Elliot"



Here it is folks, the king of the mustache. Perhaps not as culturally important as "The Selleck" or "The Reynolds", but in terms of pure testosterone, nobody beats Sam Elliot and his magnificent 'stache.

Also Sported by: Captain Crunch, Wilford Brimley

Style: 10/10
Manliness: 10/10
Track Record: 10/10



There it is folks, apologies to "The Hitler", "The Groucho", and "The Borat" for just missing this list.


That's all for today, check us out tomorrow, same time, same place.


-Latin