BATTLE ROYALE!

The Billy Awards: 2009 Year End Superlatives - Music

2010-01-23T05:39:00.001-05:00

Greetings, readers. We've been gone for a while, but when we awoke from our long winter's nap, we heard your anguished cries for more, and now here we are, back from the void to grace your screens and minds with our wisdom and insights. And now, we start off 2010 by looking back at the best (and worst) of 2009 with the Billy Awards for Music:

Best Music Video

Weezer - (If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To

2009 wasn't the greatest year for music videos (in fact, it was pretty crappy), but this video is far and away better than all the rest I've seen in the past year. Weezer usually puts out clever music videos, and this one is a good example of their flair for originality. The town populated solely by members of the band is interesting, and the children with adult heads are amusing. What makes this video particularly good, however, aside from the band's signature brand of infectiously catchy pop rock, is the sequence that plays over the final chorus, wherein Rivers Cuomo, in a play on the words of the song, tells the girl to take all her wily charms and get lost after seeing what she's done to his buddies.

This video was directed by Marc Webb (who I consider to be the best in the business, having directed several music videos in my Top 10) and features Odette Yustman, who you may remember from her younger days in Kindergarten Cop, or, more recently, as the main character's love interest in Cloverfield.

Honorable Mention:

Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me

Best Song Lyric

I'll always be just who you want me to be
And keep my tongue in my cheek
A hopeless romantic, you'll never see
Cuz you're not in on the joke

-Cobra Starship - You're Not In on the Joke

This category was a little tougher, because there were many good lyrics to choose from ("21 Guns" by Green Day, "Beautiful" by Eminem, even "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus, just to name a few). This line, however, from a song you most likely haven't heard (it's not and likely won't be a single), resonates with me for the light in which it portrays the way we present ourselves, particularly with regards to romantic relationships. It suggests (rightly so) that we harbor personalities deeper than the ones we present to the world at large, and this particular line is rife with disdain for the games we have to play in order to be successful in our romantic pursuits. The title of the song belies a more serious tone and subject matter, which is in a way representative of the message of the song - we sometimes hide who we really are, not necessarily because it's bad, but because it may not be exactly what you're accustomed to seeing.

Worst Song Lyric

Now super bad chicks givin' me McLovin
You would think I ran the world like Michelle's husband

-Kanye West (as featured in "Forever" by Drake)

This wasn't nearly as hard. You've got an overall good song bookended by good performances by Drake and Eminem, a not-great-but-not-bad third verse from Lil Wayne, and... Kanye West, in typical fashion, babbling like a moron. Listening to the rest of the song, you wonder how this imbecile wandered into this group of reasonably talented rappers. His entire crude verse is mundane rhymery at best, and the Superbad pun is pitiful, but then he follows it up with the piece de resistance. Michelle's husband... what was that guy's name again? Frick, I can't remember. I know he's married to Michelle though, so that's a pretty noteworthy accomplishment, I guess. Way to go, Kanye, now I know why Entertainment Weekly named you Artist of the Decade.

Best Song You Haven't Heard

Manic Bloom - Running From The Scene

Okay, so maybe you have heard it. Maybe you, like me, discovered this incredible song after watching the first Dude Perfect video, and considering how big that video got, that wouldn't surprise me at all. Still, this song didn't get any radio play (that I know of), so I'm willing to bet the vast majority of the public hasn't heard it. The chord progression (particularly in the chorus) is matched beautifully with the vocals, the steady driving beat and main riff give it a good edge without venturing too far into hard rock territory, and the lyrics are potently desperate yet ambiguous enough to be relatable to virtually anyone. If you haven't heard it yet, I think the best way to experience the song for the first time is with the very video I mentioned earlier:

Honorable Mention:
Honor Society - Where Are You Now

Best Cover

Seether - Careless Whisper

In a nutshell: Wham! gave the world this unremarkable song, and Seether turned it awesome. After the wailing guitar hook (which was, in the original, an elevator muzak style saxophone solo) sucks you in, the raw, pained emotion of Shaun Morgan's voice carries this track through to the finish. This heavy song now has an appropriate tone, and this is a darker, grittier update which, rather than marring it, actually improves upon the original.

Honorable Mentions:
My Chemical Romance - Desolation Row
Selena Gomez - Magic

Best Song That Doesn't Get As Much Play As It Should

The Black Eyed Peas - Meet Me Halfway

This boggles my mind. The comparatively melodic "Meet Me Halfway" is easily the BEP's best song ever, yet it doesn't get anywhere near as much radio play as nonsense like "Boom Boom Pow." Sure, the main riff is a Cyndi Lauper rip-off, but it fits the song beautifully, and Fergie's Madonna-inspired vocals are the best she's ever given us. Throw in some lyrics that are actually meaningful for a change (despite Will.I.Am's insistence on repeating words and syllables to fill up beats) and you've got a recipe for a rare gem from this group. Apparently, though, the only thing radio stations deem worthy of playing by the Black Eyed Peas are thumping bass beatfests featuring laughably ludicrous words. Or maybe that's just what America wants to hear. Either way, we don't hear nearly enough of this song.

Best Featured Performance

Eminem in "Forever" by Drake

Did I say earlier that Eminem's performance in this song was good? I'm sorry, what I should have said was "mind-blowingly amazing." Even as a standalone rap sample, it's quite good, but the fact that it's laid down alongside three other rappers really puts it in perspective. The first three verses are good enough (barring Kanye's insipid sexual allusions and horrible choice of similes), but then Eminem not only impressively amps up the speed of his flow, but also drops a lyrical bomb and blows away everything that's already been done. And the best part - he acknowledges that he's doing just that that within the first few lines. Eminem makes Drake, Kanye, and Lil Wayne look like third graders struggling to plod their way through their first poem; they saved the best for last, and the result is nothing short of epic.

Honorable Mentions:
Ludacris in "How Do You Sleep" by Jesse McCartney
Kanye West (ironically) in "Knock You Down" by Keri Hilson

Best Female Vocalist

Demi Lovato

What can I say; she's got some pipes. She can lay down something soft and pretty, and then turn right around and belt out something loud and forceful. If you don't believe me, have a listen to "Don't Forget," the title track off her debut album:

Honorable Mentions:
Lady Gaga
Miley Cyrus

Best Male Vocalist

Brent Smith of Shinedown

Brent Smith does a very good job singing on "Second Chance," and "The Sound of Madness" isn't a bad demonstration of his vocal talents either, but it's his performance on "If You Only Knew" that really stands out. A good demonstration of his range and power (and a great song to boot), this song solidifies his position as Best Male Vocalist:

Honorable Mentions:

Matthew Bellamy of Muse

Shaun Morgan of Seether

And that's all for now, folks. Part two (featuring Artist of the Year, Worst Song, and the Top 3 Songs of the Year) will be posted soon.

-Billy

The First Annual "Latin" Awards

2010-01-20T02:31:00.006-05:00

Best Music Video

This category came down to three choices. Billy picked the excellent "If You're Wondering if I Want You To (I want you to)" by Weezer. Also considered was Eminem's "Beautiful", his tribute to his fallen hometown of Detroit. Ultimately, I decided to go with "21 Guns" by Green Day. "21 Guns" is another Marc Webb creation which displays an excellent song along with an artistic and intense video. Overall a very solid video.

Best Lyric

From "Resistance" by Muse

The title track from Muse's newest CD is arguably their best on the CD, their traditional sound stays intact while expressing a slightly more upbeat sound than the preceding track "Uprising". Also, the lyrics continue to tell the CD's story of oppression and revolution, in a very intense way.

"If we live a life in fear
I'll wait a thousand years
Just to see you smile again

Kill your prayers for love and peace
You'll wake the thought police
We can't hide the truth inside"

Worst Lyric

There were many questionable decisions in Music in 2009. Many songs left people scratching their heads and wondering how fireflies can give hugs. However, perhaps the stupidest decision of the year was Mariah Carey's idea to go after Eminem in her song "Obsessed". Not only is the song a muscial low point for Mariah, reinforcing the crazy diva image that has hurt her in the past, but it also opened her up to a firestorm from Eminem, that resulted in the brutal diss track "The Warning". Mariah decided the best way to get at Eminem was with this lyric.

"You're delusional, you're delusional
Boy you're losing your mind
It's confusing yo, you're confused you know
Why you wasting your time
Got you all fired up with y our napoleon complex
Seeing right through you like you're bathing in Windex"

Apparently, bathing in Windex makes a person invisible. The guess here is that it would also sting like a bee's bottom.

For his part, Eminem's track is largely unprintable, albeit ridiculously good, rap. One line that is surprisingly quotable, and also intriguingly prophetical is this.

"Like I’ve been goin off on you all this time for no reason.
Girl you out ya alcholic mind.
Check ya wine cellar.
Look at the amounts of all the wine."

Sometimes the truth hurts Mariah.

Best Song Nobody Has Heard

Well, honestly, it's tough to beat Bill's nomination of Manic Bloom, and if it came down to it, I would probably have to go with that one myself. However, Breaking Benjamin's "Dear Agony" is an excellent song which received 1/10th of the fanfare that "I Will Not Bow" received.

Song That Deserved More Play

K'naan- "Waving Flag"

It hit 99 on the Billboard, but that was it. It's doubtful you heard it much on the radio, which is a shame cause it's quite a good song.

Best Cover Song

While Bill went a little ways back to pick his best cover song of the year, which admittedly was the excellent cover of "Careless Whisper" by Seether, we are going to stay much more recent for our discussion of the year's best cover.

Two different covers were in consideration for this spot. The first was Hayley Williams and Paramore covering "Use Somebody" by the Kings of Leon. I personally enjoy Hayley's cover more than the original, but that's a debate for a different day.

Ultimately, I decided to go with The Fray's cover of "Heartless" by Kanye West. "Heartless" is in my opinion one of Kanye's best songs in a while, and the Fray deliver an excellent version which is far superior to the auto-tuned version of the original. Excellent version.

Best Featured Performance in a Song

Well, 2009 sure seemed like a year for featured performances. They pervaded rap as they usually do, but also spread more than ever to the pop rock genres and further.

In terms of straight up skill, Eminem's featured stanza on Drake's "Forever" is possibly one of the most impressive stanzas of rap ever written. He moves ridiculously fast. By the time he is done, he has single handedly stolen the spotlight from the biggest names in rap, and reasserted himself as the king of true rap. It's truly something to see. I'm not crazy about the song, but Em's part is darn impressive.

On a more fun-minded note, the combo of Cobra Starship and Leighton Meester gives a very fun performance in "Good Girls go Bad".

Best Female Vocalist of 2009

Not the best artist, we'll get there in a second, this one goes out to the best pure vocal talent of 2009.

The girls have really brought out the heavy hitters vocally recently. Carrie Underwood continues to flash her pipes on the pop-country circuit. Kelly Clarkson usually shows off a song or two that reveals her vocal range. Hayley Williams has a surprisingly powerful voice which hits some the raspier powerful ranges that few really hit. Even Pink's grunge voice displays strength in certain songs. Katy Perry is another wild card in a group of good singers.

Bill's picks were Demi Lovato and Lady Gaga, neither really do it for me. I'll give you my top 3.

3. Katy Perry- Good voice, not great.

2. Hayley Williams- Has some real power, less traditional voice may hurt her with the mainstream pop crowd.

1. Kelly Clarkson

Clarkson has the happy medium of a strong voice and a good feel for pop music. Almost every song she releases will keep your radio dial on the same station, and at the same time she has the vocal chops to back it up. "My life would suck without you" shows her fun side to music, at the same time "Already Gone" shows off her range, its a pretty nice combination.

Best Male Vocalist

Not quite as strong as the girls, but not devoid of some powerhouses either.

John Mayer's "Battle Studies" was a slightly disappointing follow up to "Where the Light is", but he still found a few songs on the album. Notably, "Perfectly Lonely", "Heartbreak Warfare", "Assassin" are excellent.

I also find Chad Wolf to be an underrated vocalist as the lead singer of Carolina Liar, but he couldn't quite finagle his way onto the top spot.

For the second time today, I'm going to agree with Bill. Brent Smith displays a powerful vocal range and has been a favorite of mine since Shinedown released "45" a few years back. "Sound of Madness" is a raucous track which beckons back to "45", where as "Second Chance" and "If You Only Knew" display a slightly softer side, great performances all.

Saturday Morning Special: The Worst Christmas Song of All Time

2009-12-19T00:44:00.007-05:00

I'm sure you're familiar with the glory that is Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You," my own personal favorite Christmas tune. If you're not, or if you want to have a listen right this very moment, then by all means do so:

Everything about the song is beautiful. The melody, the vocals, the tempo, the instrumentals; surely it's the greatest Christmas song of this generation. You can imagine my shock and dismay, then, when I heard it brutally murdered, and then my horror as I listened while the twisted, mangled corpse of the song was reanimated as if by some kind of dark ritual, courtesy of Cymphonique:

Good God. Where do I even begin?

Here's a tip for all you aspiring cover artists out there: it's okay to change one or two words of a song you're covering if it's contextually appropriate (for example, if the song was originally performed from the perspective of a girl and your all-male band is doing a cover, you may need to swap out a few pronouns - that's all well and good). I missed the very beginning of the song, but I heard enough of the beginning to catch "I just want you for myself," and I immediately thought "uh oh, where is this going," unaware that by switching on that radio station, I had just strapped myself in for a lyrical train wreck. Remember, I said it's okay to change a word or two, NOT THE ENTIRE SONG. I suppose that's really the only flaw, but it's a flaw so atrociously overbearing that it consumes the entire experience.

I can see her discussing the possibility of her own version of the song with her producer:
"So, Cymphonique, you want to do a cover of All I Want For Christmas Is You, but you want to do more than just rehash the same old version we've heard a million times. Okay, I have some suggestions. Let's try and make this one your own, you know, really give it something that says 'Cymphonique did this.' Instead of giving it your own musically stylistic flair (everyone does that), let's just hijack the tune and rewrite the words. Do you know what a rhyme scheme is? Good, we won't need one of those. Oh and make sure you mention cell phones at some point, all the kids have them these days. That'll make you sound hip and cool and will definitely appeal to your 12-year-old target audience."

In certain parts of the song, her dazzling lyrical genius shines through. For example, she brilliantly adapts the lyrics to suit her own style by replacing phrases like "all I want for Christmas" with "all I need this Christmas" and "I won't even wish for snow" with "I won't even ask for snow." In light of these stunningly clever bits of wordplay, I'm sure Mariah would approve, although she'd probably like to know who told Cymphonique that "special" rhymes with "you."

Another thing that perturbs me is the basis for the song. It's all well and good when you're talking about what you want for Christmas, but when you start discussing the things you need, well, you've struck a nerve with me. Gifts are GIVEN, not deserved or needed. With the concept of need comes the concept of entitlement, and I'm sorry, but you are not entitled to a single Christmas present. But that's a different rant for a different time.

The real travesty is, as I've reiterated, the alteration of the lyrical content. If you want to give your own spin to a song, then you do so with the music itself or the way the song is played, not by changing the words entirely. You don't disgrace and destroy the beauty of the original like that... it's like pooping on the Mona Lisa and then saying "There, I made it my own." This god-awful piece of garbage is, easily, the worst Christmas song I have ever heard in my entire life.

-Billy

P.S. - As a special Christmas bonus, I'm going to include a version of an old Christmas classic that shows how to properly cover a song. Enjoy.

Tuesday's Tesosterone Alley: War Movies

2009-12-08T02:27:00.004-05:00

Seeing as yesterday was the anniversary of Pearl Harbor, and today is Testosterone Tuesday, I considered it fitting to roll out my selections of the best war movies of all time.

War movies have always been a guy thing, girls may never fully understand. They only see the movie on a cinematical level. They see blood and guts, and hear coarse language and they leave the room. Men have always seen war movies differently. It's not about whats directly on the screen, the blood or the language. It's about the responsibility that a man has to do what's right, and to act bravely in the face of the harshest circumstances. These movies embody the best the war genre has to offer.

Before we begin, let me clarify what I consider a war movie. Braveheart and Gladiator are not war movies, and as such are not included in this list. A war movie focuses primarily on the historical events leading up to a factual battle or campaign that has been fought, with the primary focus being on the tactics and warfare engaged in during the battle.

With all that said, the list:

10. Black Hawk Down

The reason I included Black Hawk Down, is because it gives us probably the best look at what modern warfare has become. I have yet to see some of this year's war movies such as the excellently reviewed "The Hurt Locker". But Black Hawk Down shows us how the rules have changed, and how the arms proliferation across the globe has made combatants out of nearly anyone. I will say, for as superb as BHD is as a film, the original book written by Mark Bowden is superior in nearly every way, for those of you who enjoy reading, specifically reading about the military, Black Hawk Down by Bowden is one of the best reads you will ever have.

9. Glory

My dad and I typically have similar tastes when it comes to war movies. He has always been a history buff, and enjoys his collection of military novels and films. However, he doesn't go for Glory like I do. He finds it excessively depressing and gruesome, whereas I find the performances by Freeman and Washington to be some of the best ever given on the screen. At times Matthew Broderick seems unable to match the brilliance of Freeman and Denzel, but the movie still remains one of the most powerful and touching war films ever.

8. Patton

Someday I will give you my list of top acting performances ever given in a film. A list that includes the obvious (such as Peter O'Toole as Lawrence of Arabia) and the not so obvious (Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday in "Tombstone"), but there is only one performance that ever gets consideration for the top spot in my own personal list, and that is George C. Scott as General George Patton. This movie is not for the casual movie watcher. It is a historical biopic of one of the most enigmatic and brilliant generals of all time. For those that enjoy studying World War II, and especially for those who are interested in Patton, this movie remains one of the favorites of my collection.

7. Gettysburg

Two spots higher than its Civil War counterpart "Glory", Gettysburg is a fascinating look at one of the most crucial battles in American history. Excellent performances all around, but Jeff Daniels as Col. Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain gives a performance that you never could have expected from the "Dumb and Dumber" actor. Also, this film features "Battle Royale" favorite Sam Elliott as Gen. John Buford.

6. The Bridge on the River Kwai

Featuring the superb Alec Guinness a full 20 years before he became Ben Kenobi, Bridge on the River Kwai is low on action, but examines the mental fortitude of POW's in a Japanese labor camp. Excellent plot, excellent movie.

5. We Were Soldiers

Disdain for the Vietnam war can be felt even to this day. John Wayne's "The Green Berets" was widely panned for its "childish" and positive view of the war. Meanwhile, ultra-depressing Vietnam movies have raked in the dollars and awards. Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, Apocalypse Now, The Deer Hunter, heck, even First Blood (Rambo 1) is about a depressed Vietnam vet. Somewhere in between Wayne's admittedly amateurish offering, and the super depressing list I just mentioned. Is "We Were Soldiers", featuring a very strong performance by Mel Gibson, "Soldiers" is powerful without being depressing. It also features Sam Elliott as Gibson's right hand man, but the show is stolen by another "Battle Royale" favorite, Barry Pepper, as a photographer caught in the action.

4. The Longest Day

The Cast reads like a Hall of Fame list. Wayne, Fonda, Connery, Burton, Mitchum, Wagner, and even Red Button and Rod Steiger show up in this one. A great black and white look at the invasion of Normandy and the events that led up to it. For those of you who love war movies, this is one of the best.

3. The Dirty Dozen

Most of the list so far has been fairly serious and somber, but believe it or not, there are a few war movies out there that double as comedies. The Dirty Dozen sports another one of the best casts ever assembled. Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, Telly Savalas, Donald Sutherland, Jim Brown, and Ernest Borgnine. The movie wonderfully meshes humor with the reality of war when 12 felons get a chance at redemption at the German's expense.

2. The Great Escape

The great thing about war movies, is that they allow for a multitude of actors to come together. The Great Escape boasts, in my opinion, perhaps the greatest cast of actors ever in one movie. Steve McQueen gets top billing, and is the best thing about the film, but James Garner is likewise excellent, as is Bronson again, James Coburn, Richard Attenborough (Better known for creating Jurassic Park and being Santa Clause), and Donald Pleasence, as well as a superb German and British supporting cast. "The Great Escape" tells the story of the biggest POW escape in World War II, and while it doesn't feature a battle or gunfighting, it is a riveting story which will entertain you thoroughly.

1. Saving Private Ryan

Some will disagree with this choice, however, "Ryan" is one of the most powerful and outstanding movies about World War II and the generation which fought in it. Spielberg's direction is impeccable, much as it was in his previous film about the era "Schindler's List". Tom Hanks is at his brilliant best, he hits a level that very few actors even possess, much less hit as regularly as Hanks seems to. Likewise, the supporting cast is brilliant. Damon is good as Private Ryan, but his screen time is limited. The rest of the cast was not known for their outstanding dramatic performances, but nonetheless deliver some of their best work. Vin Diesel is excellent in a supporting role, Tome Sizemore and Ed Burns are likewise outstanding in their roles, and once again, Barry Pepper steals every scene he is in, even from the outstanding Hanks. Saving Private Ryan is different from the movies directly above. I can watch Dirty Dozen or Great Escape time after time. Saving Private Ryan is different, you have to absorb it, its not for pleasure, its about the call of duty, and the men who answered.

That's my list, feel free to share your comments.

-Latin

A Monday/Tuesday Combo: Snakes on a Blog

2009-12-08T01:14:00.008-05:00

Howdy folks. You may have noticed (but you probably didn't) that I did not post anything Monday morning. I decided to take the night off last night, a "personal day," you might call it. Or you might call it "I decided I'd rather watch Camp Rock than waste my time writing about something I'm not really interested in so a bunch of people who don't really care one way or another can have something to read tomorrow morning." Yeah, I think that has a nice ring to it.

Anyway, I'm back to plague your browsers with another round of my insights. Today, we'll be dealing with music videos; more specifically, awesome music videos that you need to see right now. For the record, this is not a list detailing the best music videos ever made (I'll save that for a Top 10 feature sometime). For one reason or another, most of these videos won't even land on my Top 10, but that doesn't diminish their awesomeness, and since they are awesome, you need to watch them immediately.

The first video is "Snakes on a Plane (Bring It)" by Cobra Starship:

Cobra Starship - New Music - More Music Videos

Note: I had to use the MTV.com version because the edited one is not on Youtube anywhere, and I can't, on behalf of this blog, condone the use of F-bombs, even if there is only one at the very beginning of the song. Sorry about the commercial.

While the video itself is not entirely amazing, the song, which was the theme song of the movie of the same name and played over the end credits, is epic and catchy as all get out. The video is worth watching just to hear the song, and it's cool enough in its own right (regardless of how you feel about the movie, the music video's tie-ins are nifty). This is the perfect song to listen to while you're, say, trying to drop your brother off at work in a hurry because you're late for work yourself. Trust me.

When I first heard of Cobra Starship, I thought they were a novelty super group that wasn't ever going to put out any real material other than this single to promote the already notorious movie Snakes on a Plane. Because this video features so many people from other bands (William Beckett from The Academy Is..., Travis McCoy from Gym Class Heroes, and Maja Ivarsson from The Sounds), I didn't realize that Cobra Starship was actually its own band, so I didn't pay much attention to them until recently. The namesake for this blog comes from Travis McCoy's inexplicable line at the end of the song. I'm not sure why he said "snakes on a blog," but he did, and this is a blog, so there you have it.

Also, as an added bonus, this isn't a music video, but I thought you might enjoy this hilarious clip of the FX edit of Samuel L. Jackson's infamous line from the aforementioned movie:

Since that last music video featured William Beckett, I figured that's a great transition to our next video by his band, The Academy Is..., "About A Girl"

Again, it's the song itself here that really shines, but the video does enhance it, particularly during the "to be loved" bridge, where William starts out making an earnest point and ends up in snide mockery of the concept he touted just a few seconds ago, aptly demonstrating the progression of the train of thought of one who is in such a position as the narrator of this song. The hefty doses of denial and irony are what make the lyrical content stand out, and musically I love the way the vocals and chords harmonize. I'm not a huge fan of The Academy Is..., but this is a great song.

Our final video features not one guy entranced by a female, but every guy in it, Weezer's latest offering, "(If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To"

Weezer usually has cool videos, and this one is no exception - I like the Weezerville concept and the kid bodies with the heads of the band members on them. My favorite thing about the video, though, is the way that its message departs from that of the song, which is striking, because I usually don't like when music videos do that. The "bros before hoes" attitude exemplified at the very end of the video, though, actually somewhat aligns itself with the lyrics (at least in terms of how Rivers Cuomo interacts with the girl at the end), making it suitable for the song and bringing a wacky video to a very satisfying and unexpected conclusion.

I hope I've drained your time in a culturally enriching fashion today. If you don't like these videos... well, your taste sucks and I can't help you.

-Billy

In Remembrance...

2009-12-07T14:54:00.002-05:00

For those of you who are more historically inclined, you will recognize that today is December 7th, which happens to mark the 58th anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. I've always wondered why the date doesn't get more fanfare from the general public while 9/11 is revered. The truth of the matter is that 58 years ago, some of the bravest young men this country has ever turned out, in the truest act of bravery, gave their lives for the ultimate sacrifice. It seems to me, that gone are the days that America had a stomach for a fight, not that our men and women in uniform aren't up to the task, but rather the public and the media become so squeamish at the idea of bloodshed. December 7th should be a reminder to us that there is a responsibility and a cost that comes with our freedom.

Here is a recording of FDR's famous "Day of Infamy" speech after the attacks.

Also, for those of you with a love of classic war movies, I highly recommend the classic "Tora! Tora! Tora!". It may be a little more historical (read: boring) for those of you who prefer modern cinema, but it's much closer to the real events than the Hollywood-ized "Pearl Harbor". There used to be an online copy that floated around the free sites like Hulu, but that seems to be gone, so maybe you can find it on netflix, or (gasp) Blockbuster.

I might check back in later tonight with a fuller post, but for now, I wish you all a happy Monday, and never forget the freedoms that we have been given.

-Latin

Internet Special Ed: How to Post A Comment

2009-12-04T01:21:00.012-05:00

Greetings readers, and thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to slog your way through all the muck that's on the internet in order to land here at our site. Since you're here, you've demonstrated that you have the presence of mind to decide on a website and the fine motor control necessary to operate a mouse and keyboard. I have to assume, however, that past that point, you're all brain-dead.

The reason I say this is that 25 different people navigated to this page yesterday (we keep track) and, despite being prompted numerous times by both Danny and myself, not a SINGLE BURGER FLIPPING PERSON participated in our game. I can only assume it's because somewhere along the line, you were neglected by internet culture, and no one ever taught you how to post a comment. Well friends, since I'm the kind of person that likes to reach out and help the less fortunate, I'm gonna forego (that's a big word for "skip") today's scheduled topic (the Top 10 list) and teach you guys how to do just that. I know that actually reading a blog entry is much too difficult for some of you, so I'm going to use pictures as much as possible to assist your understanding.

Step 1: Locating the Comment Link

Look for the title of the post (for example, today's title is "Internet Special Ed: How to Post A Comment"). Underneath that will be a description of the day of the week, date, and time that it was posted, along with the name of the person who posted the blog and any tags included in the post (if you don't know what a "tag" is, don't worry... it's a fairly complex element of a blog, especially for people at your stage of learning, so we won't get into that here). Directly to the right of that will be a hyperlink (one of those things that, if you click on it, takes you somewhere else) that says how many comments there currently are on the post. If you're still confused, look for the big red arrow pointing to the circle in the picture below.

In case that zoomed in version of the screen doesn't provide an accurate enough frame of reference, I've located the comment link for you on the Big Page:

Step 2: Opening the Comment Box

Place your mouse over the words that denote how many comments already exist on the page (your mouse arrow should turn into a little hand with a pointing finger), and press down on the mouse button. This is called "clicking." It will take you to the page where you can type out your comment in a little white box that looks like this:

Step 3: Selecting a Username

A "username" is a fancy term for a nickname that other people can call you on the internet. Now that you've opened the comment box, you want to pick the username to use on this comment. If you have a Google ID, you can use that (mine is Billy the Kid, for example, and I use that name to post blogs). However, if you do not have one (and I will assume for the purposes of this tutorial that you do not), you can choose to post anonymously, or to post without putting a name down at all. In order to do so, click the little downward arrow to the right of where it says "comment as." This will bring down a drop-down menu where you can select your type of username.

Click "Anonymous," which is highlighted in blue in the above picture.

It's going to get a little more difficult after this, so let's take a break for a minute. Go into the kitchen and grab a juice box and some animal crackers, and take a short nap if you're feeling worn out. You're going to need to be in top form for the next step.

Step 4: Writing Your Comment

Click inside the white box. If you know how to type properly, arrange your fingers on the keyboard in the appropriate fashion. If not, just try to locate the right letters as you go along and press the keys down with your index finger (the one you use to pick your nose). This is where the hard part comes in. Now you have to think of something to type into the box. When you get an idea, start typing. Once you're done, the result should look something like this:

Note: Using an exclamation point (!) requires use of the Shift key.
This is recommended only for advanced users.

It is appropriate to leave a name, even if you post anonymously. To do so, just place a dash in front of your name as pictured above.

Step 5: Posting Your Comment

Your hard work is finally about to pay off! The only thing left to do is click the button that says Post Comment. Once you do so, your comment will appear on the page underneath the post, directly above the comment box. Congratulations! You're published on the internet!

Hopefully this tutorial has been helpful to all of you kids. I'd challenge you to leave a comment right now, but I know that after the strain of all that learning, you probably don't have the energy, so I'll just take my leave until Monday. Enjoy the weekend.

-Billy

The 1st Official "Battle Royale: Battle for the Box Office"

2009-12-03T04:34:00.006-05:00

Alrighty friends, believe it or not, we work hard here at Battle Royale to bring you content that is fun and entertaining, now we are looking for you guys to get in on the action. We are going to start a game here at Battle Royale, a game that we will play every Thursday morning. We are calling it the "Battle Royale: Battle for the Box Office". Every Thursday, Billy and I will pick our top 5 projections for the upcoming weekend box office returns. We will rank our selections 1-5 and post them here on Thursday morning. What we want you guys to do, is to play along. We aren't box office experts, and we don't have any inside information that you guys don't, all we are doing is having a little fun. So, every Thursday when you come here and read our predictions, post your predictions as a comment, and include either your name or a pseudonym. We will tally up the results every week and announce the weekly winners as well as post the overall scoreboard for the entire competition, that way you guys can play along and see if you have better luck picking the box office smashes from the busts.

The scoring will work this way. You will get 1 point for every movie which you correctly predict will be in the top 5, and you will get 2 points for every movie whose rank you guess exactly. For example, here is last weekend's top 5 box office hits:

1. New Moon- $43m
2. The Blind Side- $40m
3. 2010- $18m
4. Old Dogs- $17m
5. A Christmas Carol- $16m

So, if you guessed those 5 in exact order you would get:

1 point for each movie correctly in top 5- 5 points
2 points for each movie in correct position- 10 points

Total- 15 points

Pretty simple enough, 15 of course is the maximum number of points that you can get per week.

To help you out in your quest, here is the link to the weekend box office results (which we will also be using for our official results) courtesy of Box Office Mojo.

http://boxofficemojo.com/weekend/

The best way to guess the top 5 correctly is to examine the previous weekend's results, and then predict how the new releases will do, with that in mind, here is the link for the upcoming releases each week, again courtesy of Box Office Mojo.

http://boxofficemojo.com/schedule/

So, there you have it, we hope you will participate with us, as it will make it a little more enjoyable if I have more of a challenge than just beating up on Billy every week. With all that said, here are my picks for the top 5 movies of next weekend

1. The Blind Side
2. New Moon
3. Brothers
4. Armored
5. 2012

There you have it, the gauntlet has been thrown, let the games commence.

-Latin

Battle for the Box Office: Billy's Picks

2009-12-03T03:55:00.005-05:00

Danny Latin posted a basic logo... I posted an even MORE basic one

Okay kids, you read what Danny Latin said up there (if you didn't, scroll up and read the rules and check out the links he posted as resources; it's a pretty simple and easy competition). This guy thinks he's a hotshot, so I want your help to show him why his picks for the weekend are wrong. Post your predictions for the weekend's top 5 box office draws as a comment and we'll see who's got the best eye for widespread movie appeal out of all of us. My picks are as follows:

1. New Moon
2. Armored
3. The Blind Side
4. A Christmas Carol
5. 2012

I think New Moon has enough of a hormone-crazed, lame romance junkie-fied teenage girl fanbase to squeeze another week out of the #1 spot. The Blind Side did enjoy a surge in popularity this past week, but I don't think that will last much longer because, frankly, it looks boring (there's no scientific basis for this, it's just my gut instinct talking here). That said, it's still new enough to take in more than A Christmas Carol and 2012, which have already been in theaters for 4 weeks and 3 weeks, respectively. A Christmas Carol gets the edge over 2012 simply because of the increasing proximity to Christmas and the fact that 2012's novelty is wearing off fast. The big newcomer here is Armored, which looks interesting enough for a strong opening (not to mention its popularity going up by over 400% this week in imdb), and its target demographic being large enough to compete with those of either New Moon or The Blind Side.

So there you have it. Let us know what your picks are; you don't need reasons, just an ordered list (although feel free to give reasons if you're so inclined). Just don't forget to include some sort of username with your comment so we can give credit to whoever earns the most points next week. And trust me, you want to be a part of this action... being in with this crowd is all the rage these days.

See you tomorrow.

-Billy

Personality of the Week: Justin Timberlake

2009-12-02T02:59:00.006-05:00

News struck this week that a feature film version of Yogi Bear has begun filming. The reason I bring this up is because it features Justin Timberlake in the role of Boo Boo, which undoubtedly will lead to some comedic moments.

It intrigues me to view how Timberlake has reinvented himself over the years. His early years featured him as a too famous too fast pop tart, caught up in the adolescent fame of 'N Sync. Tabloids loved covering his many loves, including his famous relationship with fellow Mickey Mouse Club star Britney Spears. Adolescent girls everywhere went nuts over the hip Timberlake, meanwhile most of the male population of the United States rolled their eyes.

Timberlake's start to his solo career didn't go over much better, it initially looked as if he made a serious mistake leaving 'N Sync for the benefit of his own solo career, but slowly and surely he began to generate attention and praise for his solo work. His "Cry Me a River" based on his relationship with Spears, remains to this day one of his most popular works.

Just as it seemed Timberlake was on the path to further stardom, there came the infamous Superbowl 38 halftime show with Janet Jackson. The aftermath nearly got him and Jackson banned from the '04 Grammys, instead, Timberlake issued an apology and promptly won 2 Grammys for his work.

After that, Timberlake began to dabble in movies, including Alpha Dog and Shrek the 3rd. He got his big solo break in 2007 with the hit single "Sexyback".

However, it's Timberlake's recent activities that have raised the eyebrows of not only the female population, but America's men as well. Quite simply, Timberlake has become one of the funniest men in the states. His performances on Saturday Night Live have become instant classics, and he has become so well liked on the show that he has become sort of an unofficial cast member, even joking about his performances.

He seems to have at least temporarily settled down with Jessica Biel, and has established himself as a powerhouse in music, television, and film. His recent commercials with Peyton Manning are some of the best, and again show off his charisma and knack for humor.

Timberlake is no longer simply one of the boys in 'N Sync, and he no longer has to endure the spite of men. He has widened his appeal and expanded his influence. While others have struggled with fame, and melted under controversy, Timberlake has succesfully navigated the troubles he has faced, and has frequently taken the high road when it comes to rumor and speculation.

While I never was one to like 'N Sync, and always found Timberlake annoying, he has succesfully made a fan out of me with his SNL appearances and laid back persona. For once, somebody has actually lost their diva side, and branded themself as a down to earth entertainer, and the response has overwhelmingly been positive.

Here's hoping that more follow Timberlake's example of how to manage a career, but I'm not exactly holding my breath.

As always, enjoy the day and join us tomorrow.

-Latin

Weekly Wish List: The Droid

2009-12-02T01:20:00.010-05:00

The Droid is, right now, at the top of my Wish List, which is to say that if I could afford one, I'd certainly look into getting it. I can't afford it, so it will remain right there on the list, for possibly as long as forever, but that doesn't suppress my interest.

As far as technical specs are concerned, the Droid has a 3.7" screen, a 5 megapixel camera (with a flash), and a slide-out keyboard. Its display is the largest on the market and has a striking 270 pixels per inch, and 5 megapixels is at the higher end of the resolution spectrum for a camera phone (not to mention the virtually uneard of flash, allowing for pictures to be taken in minimal lighting conditions). For the sake of convenience as one who loves to take pictures, having a camera that good built into a phone is appealing to me. Possibly my favorite thing about the Droid is its full sliding keyboard, an aspect that its main competitor, the iPhone, lacks. Typing on a touchscreen keyboard, to me, is about as easy as trying to grab a goldfish out of a bucket of water with your bare hands... it makes my digits feel unwieldy, useless blocks of wood, so having solid buttons to press is always a plus.

In addition, the Droid has an interchangeable battery, which is specifically being highlighted as an advantage the Droid has over the iPhone. While that's nice, it's not really a make-or-break aspect for me (how many people actually swap phone batteries anyway?), nor is the claim that it can run simultaneous apps. On the other hand, I'm relatively unfamiliar with the smartphone lifestyle, so maybe being able to run two apps at once is a very good thing. All of these features set the Droid a notch above the iPhone, in my opinion (and you can Click Here for a reasonably in-depth comparison of the two machines, if you want more detail), but what really has me sold is the way Verizon is marketing the Droid. Check out this commercial, one of my recent favorites:

Finally someone is giving Apple a taste of its own medicine. For years, I've been enduring those insufferably self-righteous "I'm a Mac... and I'm a PC" commercials that don't so much advertise Macs as they do bash on PCs. Now, Verizon is pointing out the shortcomings of an Apple product, and the result is not only beautifully accurate, but cleverly and seasonally implemented. Before the Droid was even launched, Verizon came out swinging with those "Everything iDon't... Droid does" spots that aired frequently during the MLB playoffs. Anyone with the guts to take on Apple so boldly gets my vote from the start, and doing it with a product that has more to speak of than the iPhone is a solid plan.

In a nutshell, I want the Droid because it's a cool gadget in its own right (cooler, even, than the iPhone), and as an added bonus, it's the first product I know of that is using Apple's own proven marketing formula and air of superiority against them. That's a winning combination I'd like to see more of in the future.

-Billy

Over/Under of the Week: Adam Sandler

2009-12-01T03:43:00.010-05:00

So, for the column today, I decided to go in a different direction, rather than give you either something overrated or something underrated, I decided to pick a topic, and then give you both an under and overrated item from that topic.

Today, that topic will be the much maligned Adam Sandler.

Sandler has never been on the same page as film critics. Critics tend to see film as an expression of art and technical talent, Sandler has always seen film as pure entertainment. It's obvious that Sandler enjoys his movies, after all, who wouldn't. He brings in some of the best actors in the business for his films, goofs around and has fun, and then makes tons of money. Sandler will doubtfully ever win an Oscar or gain critical recognition on a large scale, but its good to remember sometimes that film is more than just stuck up critics who don't even have a good time at movies. With that said, oftentimes Sandler can leaving you feel a little burned out from all the yelling. So with a nod to both parties lets look at the under and overrated gems from Sandler's past.

OVERRATED: You Don't Mess with the Zohan

Sandler has seemingly always had 3 gears. His most comfortable gear is the over the top stupidity and guy humor. He's loud, obnoxious, learns his lesson, gets the girl, and has a bunch of laughs. A solid majority of his movies fall into this category, it's what gives him his brand and makes him money.

His second gear is still primarily the loud obnoxious humor, but this time is isn't a blabbering idiot, and he actually is trying to make a "touching" point. These include: Click, 50 First Dates, Bedtime Stories, The Wedding Singer, Big Daddy, and you could argue Mr. Deeds. Sandler seemed to make a natural progression to this style as he matured, and now more and more of his movies start falling into this section.

Finally, there is the Adam Sandler who must just like to mess around with critics, beccause he pulls out a dramatic, somber performance, and often gets rather favorable reviews. Funny People, Reign Over Me, Spanglish, and Punch Drunk Love, that's the entire list. The latter even garnered Sandler a Golden Globe nomination, and widespread critical praise. Sandler has shown off this side of himself more and more, though we never can be sure when this Sandler will decide to show up.

Unfortunately, even as it seemed Sandler might have been finding a happy medium in his life, he decided to release "Zohan" and show us just how crude he could still be. However, this time, his crude humor wasn't as funny as his classics like "Happy Gilmore" and "Billy Madison", and instead of just being adolescently crude, he amped up the sexual content and innuendo, and the result was a rather unfunny movie which featured all too many cringe worthy sex references.

Shockingly, some people ate it up. Ebert called it one of his favorite Sandler movies ever and actually LIKED it, which, if you know Ebert and Sandler, you know thats virtually a sign of the apocalypse.

Now, I like Sandler, and I'm a fan of most of his movies. However, "Zohan" struck me as amateurish in a way that his younger movies never did, maybe I just came to expect more from Sandler over the years, but "Zohan" was a major bust in my book.

2 out of 10 Elliots

(In honor of my inaugural Mustache Column, I will be rating things on a scale of 1 to 10 Sam Elliots)

UNDERRATED: Big Daddy

At the other end of the spectrum, is a Sandler movie that was released during the height of his Happy Gilmore/Wedding Singer popularity, and yet kind of missed the boat.

Big Daddy is one of the first Sandler movies to really push into the second phase of his film making. It still has his trademark insults and rebellious streak, but it forgoes the psychotic of Happy Gilmore, and the idiot of Billy Madison and The Waterboy. Unfortunately, because studios want to make money, "Big Daddy" was marketed as another Sandler stupid comedy. The posters and DVD case feature the stars peeing on a door, alienating people looking for a decent feel good story, and then surprising kids when it wasn't the same stupid old Sandler punching celebrities and shouting like a moron.

At its heart, Big Daddy is actually a pretty good story about a drowning loser who misses the past, and the little boy who saves him. It features a young Dylan Sprouse, who would later star in one of my favorite TV movies "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause" before becoming a Disney Channel star with "The Suite Life of Zac and Cody." Also featuring Joey Lauren Adams, fairly fresh off of "Chasing Amy", Leslie Mann, who he would again star with in "Funny People", and of course a slew of recurring Sandler friends, including the always funny Steve Buscemi, and actually, one of Rob Schneider's better Sandler cameos. Big Daddy is one of Sandler's best, and it holds up well over time. If you think you might want to give Sandler a chance after seeing some of his newer stuff, I advise you to check out Big Daddy, if you already are a Sandler fan, pull this off the shelf some night, it may not get the same pedigree as Happy Gilmore, but its Sandler at his best, funny, but subdued.

6 out of 10 Elliotts

Thats all for today folks, as always, have a great day and check back tomorrow.

-Latin

Testosterone Alley: Driving Like a Real MAN

2009-12-01T02:43:00.009-05:00

Turn signals, brakes, appropriate reaction times, common sense - what do all four of these have in common? They're fundamental aspects of operating a motor vehicle which must be implemented effectively if you want to stay out of trouble on the road. Of course, all people of legal driving age know this... but it takes more than just knowledge the basics to drive like a real MAN. We men often find ourselves in dangerous situations; it's in our very nature to tackle the most death-defying challenges, to defeat the odds and come out on top, whether via brute force, intellect and skill, or a combination of both. To drive like a man, especially a man in the midst of trouble, you have to stretch reality to the limits of its feasibility, to have mastery over the very laws of physics themselves. Today, Battle Royale brings you a four-step guide that will have you driving like a MAN in no time.

1. Eliminate environmental threats

Let's say you need to get from Point A to Point B really quickly. The only problem is... there's a bomb fastened to the bottom of your car. You've got places to be, so don't even THINK about stopping. You have to figure out a way to get rid of the bomb while on the move, and here's where our first lesson in physics-bending comes in, courtesy of one Frank Martin, also known as the Transporter:

As you can see, the first thing you need to do is find an incline, but not just any old incline; it has to be positioned in such a fashion that only one side of your car will actually hit the makeshift ramp. This way, as you fly through the air, your car will perform a spiral (in the manner of a good football pass) and, if done correctly, will hit the ground in the perfect upright position. This is pretty basic stuff if you're just trying to impress the ladies. But you're NOT looking to show off right now, you're looking to show off while REMOVING A BOMB.

The tricky part lies in finding something to scrape the bomb off the bottom of the car. In a textbook case, there will be a crane hanging in just the right spot to assist you with this... but we all know that MEN don't operate by the book, we do things our OWN WAY. If there's no crane available, a flagpole, scaffolding, street light, billboard, or any other object that juts out into the air will do the trick in a pinch. Try it out for yourself, see what works for you.

2. Increase altitude to avoid obstacles

You ditched the bomb on your car, but it went off just after you dislodged it. The resulting explosion alerted the cops, and now they think you're the perpetrator. They're hot on your trail... so how do you get away? We now turn to the one and only Batman for our second lesson in manly driving:

The first thing you need to do in this case is survey the scene. Keep a cool head, make sure your poisoned love interest (optional) doesn't get too upset about the fact that she could be dead in a matter of minutes; you don't have time for distractions like that. If, as you careen through the streets, you still can't lose the fuzz, then don't restrict yourself simply to driving on the ground. The simplest solution is, as was demonstrated, to find a parking garage, traverse the ramps until you get to the top, and crash through the wall, barreling forward across the rooftops until you intersect with a bridge. At that point, it's a safe bet that the police haven't been able to follow you for some time.

Of course, not all of us have the limitless funds necessary to secure a vehicle that can in fact break down concrete barriers like that, so you may have to get a little more resourceful. You've already proven that you're adept enough to lift your car off the ground, so the only thing you need now is another incline to lift you over the wall at the top of the parking garage. Perhaps there are some haphazardly placed and unsecured metal beams, or an unoccupied piece of construction equipment; whatever the case, in these dangerous scenarios, there's always stuff laying around where it shouldn't be, so make use of the random junk at your disposal... it doesn't take Ninja training to figure that one out.

3. Your car isn't just a vehicle... it's a weapon

The cops and their pathetic squad cars have been unable to stop you, and so, watching you fly through the air, they decided to bring in an airborne vehicle of their own. Suddenly, you're staring down a helicopter, complete with a rifle-firing maniac hanging out the side. No amount of roof-hopping will get you away from that... your only choice is to neutralize the threat, John McClane style:

By now you're a pro at achieving liftoff with your car, but this is more than just your average jump: this one requires precision, timing, and, most of all, a good eye for the trajectory of a car hurtling through the air.

After you make the tough decision to abandon your car, you have to ascertain whether or not your ramp of choice is in the proper position to strike the helicopter. This shouldn't be too difficult, simply because you are a MAN and as such can ensure that anything in your path (including tollbooths) can indeed propel your car off the ground. Antagonists of this nature rarely take into account this fact and will likely position themselves behind what they think is cover, only to find out that you will use that "cover" to launch your car at them and send them to a fiery doom.

The really hard part is knowing when to bail. If you jump out too early, your car might not have the momentum it needs to achieve maximum height; too late and you're going down in flames as well, or at least losing your legs as your car scrapes along the tollbooth (or what have you) ahead. This is where being a MAN really comes in handy. Reaction time is key at this point, and if you focus (i.e. don't panic like a little girl), your inner Awesome should see you through. When the time is right, jump, tuck, roll, and enjoy the show.

4. No car? No problem.

You've removed a bomb, escaped the police, and blown up a helicopter... but you still haven't reached Point B yet, and now you've destroyed your ride. Running is for weenies, and besides, you need to get there NOW, so what do you do? Take a page out of the James Bond playbook (you may want to take a moment to let it load, as the specific scene comes about 4 minutes into the video):

Any poser can hop into the nearest experimental watercraft and blast out onto the open seas, but your destination is on dry ground. To get there, find a boathouse (preferably one that has a ramp leading into the water; ramps are a key theme here) and use it to access the nearest road. With your mastery of physics by this point, taking corners on a street in a vehicle that has no wheels or brakes should be no trouble at all. And now that you're so close to your goal, don't let ANYTHING stand in your way. Keep forging ahead at all costs (blaring away on your little boat horn, of course, to alert innocent bystanders), no matter how many buildings you have to crash through. Eventually you'll arrive at your destination, even manlier than you were than when you began your journey.

And that's it, folks: four simple steps to driving like a real MAN. If you're reading this and you're not a man, don't worry... I'm sure there's a man out there who would be willing to bring you along as his poisoned female counterpart, and then you can take in all the Awesome firsthand.

Check back with us tomorrow for more adventures in pop culture.

-Billy

Case of the Mondays

2009-11-30T01:44:00.011-05:00

"BILLY!" you're saying to yourself right now, "YOU'RE SO CLEVER!" Yes, yes, I know this very well. After all, I rip lines out of Office Space and use them as blog titles as only the best pop culture commentators can. But for all the self-deprecating chatter wasting precious screen space here, there is actually a purpose behind my use of that phrase beyond the fact that today is Monday. You see, Peter Gibbons, the central character of Office Space, attained a degree of success and renown in his office by breaking out of the traditional routine and doing things his own way. Likewise, I'm shirking the prescribed format (when I started writing the Weekly Glance Back column, it required a wall of boring factual background before I was able to get to the good stuff, and no one wants to sit through all that) in favor of something that will, hopefully, interest you much more.

Today, I bring to you, oh dear reader, something I stumbled on over the weekend: a flash game called The Company of Myself.

Click Here to Play The Company of Myself

In this game, you play as an unnamed man who, for some reason, has become a hermit, and so must solve his problems entirely on his own esteem. In order to complete the levels, you take certain actions in each level and then, by hitting the space bar, replicate the actions you just took in the form of a ghost man who does everything exactly as you just did it, leaving you free to do other things. In this manner, you can use yourself to get a boost up to a higher ledge, carry yourself across a bridge, and so on. In some levels you can only replicate yourself once; in others, you can replicate yourself an infinite number of times. This type of gameplay creates a number of interesting possibilities, and makes you take a different approach to virtually every level, so the game never gets stale.

While the gameplay is certainly novel and challenging in its own right, there's a level of depth behind this game that you don't usually see in such offerings. If you do choose to play it (and I strongly recommend that you do), don't just skip the intro sequence, because it lays the foundation for the intriguing story of the game. In fact, the game itself is, as the narrator describes it, an allegory for the story that he is telling, and as you play through each level, he gives you insights into what he thinks and feels. While graphically sparse, the music is superbly atmospheric, at times whimsical and at others almost sinister. If you start playing this game, please, PLEASE play it through to the end, and sit through the end credits (they're not very long)... it's worth the time and effort to see the haunting conclusion of this tale.

If you start the game and have trouble at any point, I'm including a video walkthrough, but I'd advise you not to watch it unless you really need it... that said, enjoy the game.

-Billy

Monday Morning Pathfinder: Heavy Rain- PS3

2009-11-30T01:03:00.009-05:00

By now you probably have figured out that I'm an avid fan of the Playstation 3. As such I consider it my sworn duty to educate the general public about the goings on in the PS3 world.

Heavy Rain is currently in development and slated for a February 2010 release. It is developed by French studio Quantic Dream, makers of Omikron and Indigo Prophecy. Quantic Dream specializes in rather abnormal games, and Heavy Rain is no different. The story is based on the pursuit of a serial killer and set in a small city. There are four playable characters each interwoven into the story. Don't expect a shooter, this game appears to be a mystery suspense game. It looks similar in feel to the Silent Hill series, however, the story remains grounded in reality and shies away from the supernatural.

The game also alters traditional movement, using the PS3 triggers to control movement speed. This will be an interesting use for the "squishy" triggers of the PS3, and we will look expectantly to see how the system performs.

The gameplay will focus on the search for clues and pursuit of the killer, and the themes are supposed to comment on the price and value of love and how far someone is willing to go for love. There also will be included a system where the player can bring up potential thoughts of the character and follow the lines of thought in a certain way. Using certain lines of thought at wrong times will lead the character down a dark and dangerous path, and ultimately will result in action scenes which will rely heavily on quick time events to resolve, so if you aren't a fan of quick time events, you may want to steer clear. However, unlike shooters which throw random quick time events in just to mess with you, here the events seem to fit with the suspense and reaction, the system looks fairly fluid and apparently there is some sort of timer system to guide you. However, there is no second chance for messing up.

One of the unique things about this game is the progression of the game. You begin by playing as one character, if your choices and actions lead you to an untimely death, there is no red screen of blood and the the words "loading", rather, the game continues and you assume control of a different character, and the story adapts based upon the death. If all four characters wind up dying, the story resolves and the game ends. It present a fluidity and continuity to the game that has rarely if ever been seen before. No doubt this will exasperate many gamers who simply want to rush a bunker and blow away the bad guys, but if you are the type who enjoys the more psychological thrillers, Heavy Rain seems like one of the more interesting games to come along in a long time.

As always folks, enjoy your Monday if you can, and check back in with us tomorrow.

-Latin

Weekend Top 10: Christmas Songs

2009-11-28T02:09:00.006-05:00

Well folks, I was going to get this up on Friday, which is our usual schedule, but the holiday busyness just had me too tired, so its going up now.

As Billy mentioned below, Christmas season seems to get earlier and earlier each year, but seeing as we are now past Thanksgiving, the Christmas holiday season has hit full steam. As such, you will start hearing Christmas music wherever you go, from your barber down the street, to the mall, to the radio station that has been playing hard rock the entire year.

With that in mind, we present our inaugural top 10 list. The top 10 Christmas songs of all time. For purposes of this list, we are steering clear of caroling classics like "Silent Night" and "Deck the Halls". Instead we examine some of the best Christmastime classics from the distant and not so distant past.

10. It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas- Perry Como
One of the great voices of a generation, Como's classic is still heard everywhere during the holiday season, and for good reason. It remains one of the greatest Christmas songs ever.

9. Blue Christmas- Elvis
Not as widely played as some of the others here, but Blue Christmas is still a classic, and that trademark croon has still managed to sneak its way into many a movie or commercial.

8. Let It Snow- Dean Martin
One of the best voices ever, and a classic tune. I'm more than partial to Martin's version. Then again, I'm more than partial to anything that includes Martin, who remains one of the most talented people to ever walk the earth.

7. White Christmas- Bing Crosby
For years, this was the King of Christmas music. Written of course by Irving Berlin for his movie of the same name, Crosby's version is held in the highest regard possible.

6. Baby It's Cold Outside- Zooey Deschanel and Will Ferrell
The common mistake with this song is that the defining version is sung by Doris Day and Bing Crosby. Actually, it wasn't Bing and Doris, it was Margaret Whiting and Johnny Mercer. Regardless, I actually prefer the version from Elf, Deschanel's voice is perfect for the song, and Ferrell aint so bad himself.

5. I'll Be Home For Christmas- Michael Buble
Lot's of different versions out there. The Carpenters version is likewise very solid, but Buble nailed this version in my opinion.

4. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas- Frank Sinatra
You knew old blue eyes had to be on the list. Sinatra's version is classic and soulful. Great song.

3. The Christmas Song- Nat King Cole
Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe help to make a season bright, if not, just let Nat tell you again, and again.

2. All I Want For Christmas is You- Mariah Carey
While Billy will undoubtedly argue night and day for My Chemical Romance's version, Carey gets the nod here. Almost an instant classic when she released it, this song shows off her considerable vocal talent while also delivering a catchy modern pop classic, a rarity for Christmas songs.

1. Holly Jolly Christmas- Burl Ives
In my mind, only one man could top this list. While Billy prefers the excellent Andy Williams, I don't consider it Christmas season until I hear Burl on my radio.

That's my list for the holidays, many of you may have different classics that get you in the spirit, let me know what you think.

-Latin

Pet Peeve: When Does the Christmas Season Actually Start?

2009-11-27T16:29:00.008-05:00

If you're still foggy as to what this column is about after reading the title, this is where we set aside some time each week to gripe about stuff that bugs us in popular culture. The pet peeve of the week is, in contextually appropriate fashion, the ambiguity of the start of the Christmas season.

When does the Christmas season begin, exactly? That's a bit of a tough question to answer, due largely to what I like to call the "Christmas creep." Christmas creep is the amount of time every year (or period of years) that the season is extended into fall by the mass media. To demonstrate: when I was younger, about 9 years old or so, radio stations used to play Christmas music for about 48 hours, starting early on Christmas Eve and ending at midnight after Christmas Day. Then, when I was 14, one station started playing Christmas music 24 hours a day for an entire week before Christmas. Then, the next year, a different station started playing it 24/7 the day after Thanksgiving. This year, that same radio station started playing Christmas music nonstop on Veterans' Day. See how it works?

While I know that there can't really be a set date for the Christmas season to start, I wish people would start using their heads about this kind of thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Grinch; I love Christmas as much as the next guy (or possibly more, if the next guy is in fact a Grinch), I just think the start of the season is being pushed to its limits. It seemed even more widespread this year than it has in years past, with many people admitting via Facebook status updates that they were getting into the spirit early this year. Again, there's nothing really wrong with that, I just don't think it makes a whole lot of sense to be chopping down trees and singing Christmas carols before Thanksgiving even comes.

It's an upside down tree. You know, to symbolize the error
of starting the season too early. It works, right? Right?

To me, the arrival of Santa Claus at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is clearance for the season to officially begin. Even then, there's still Thanksgiving dinner to be had before you rush into all the Christmas festivities, but at least Santa has given you his blessing by that time. When you start getting all Christmas-y before you've even reached the halfway point of November, I think your priorities are a little out of whack. I mentioned how early the season was starting a while ago, and it was pointed out to me that it will never start before Halloween, because Halloween is such a big deal these days as well. That's true enough, but if you go to any major retail outlet the day after Halloween, the Christmas decorations are coming out. I know Thanksgiving isn't a big consumer holiday, and I suppose that's where the heart of it all lies, but it is still a national holiday, and I think we should abstain from Christmas related activities (barring shopping) until after it passes.

Alas, the Christmas creep just keeps on creeping, and since the media is such a powerful force in our lives, it's hard not to jump right in the first time we hear "Happy Holidays" by Andy Williams (I realize this isn't the most traditional of Christmas songs, but I play it every year to kick off the season, if only because I think the phrase "hoop dee doo and dickery dock" is hilarious). Personally, I'll hold off on the festivities until Black Friday. It only makes sense; Black Friday is the official start of the Christmas shopping season, and it's the day after the last major holiday before Christmas. If you do it that way, you don't encroach on any other holidays' turf, and you still get about a month's worth of Christmas cheer. Plus, you save me the annoyance of having to listen to Christmas music before I'm in the mood for it. It is, as Michael Scott would say, a win-win-win situation.

So there's your pet peeve for the week, the first of many to come, and in the future they'll arguably be much more vehement than this. Starting Christmas early does annoy me, but not nearly so much as a myriad of other things in pop culture, but since it's Black Friday, this seemed like a good time to showcase my views on the subject. Incidentally, since it is Black Friday, and the Christmas season has officially started, I will leave you with a treat:

-Billy

A Special Holiday Message From Will Smith

2009-11-26T12:50:00.004-05:00

"HAPPY FANKSGIVIN"

Happy Thanksgiving!!

2009-11-26T03:55:00.002-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours wherever you may be.

Enjoy the day, and of course, the 1 year anniversary of this:

Battle Royale Presents: Bad Call of the Week

2009-11-26T02:33:00.007-05:00

Welcome friends to our inaugural installment of "Battle Royale Bad Call of the Week", where we will examine some of the more questionable choices made during the week.

I thought about using this space to give my thoughts on the Adam Lambert fiasco that is hot news around the town, but I decided against it due to the incessant commentary. (In a nutshell here are my thoughts: Obviously America doesn't have a huge problem with sexually diverse artists, see: Elton John, Freddie Mercury, but Lambert pushed the bounds of decency too far, he needs to realize he is an entertainer, and entertainers need fans. It's usually a good idea to build a good rep behind you before you go and start controversy. Lambert doesn't have the rep that say, Eminem does, he won't get the same groundswell of support if he continues to cross the line.)

So, rather than comment on Lambert, I decided to tackle a different pop star's questionable moves, Miley Cyrus.

Now, while Miley obviously has had her share of controversy (between the Annie Leibovitz photo shoot and her own personal photo shoots) she also hasn't been quite the train wreck that some previous young pop stars have been. She seems to have gotten through the controversy better than Vanessa Hudgens got through hers, and of course, there is always Lindsay Lohan there to make everyone else look better.

However, Miley has had a rough week. First, of course came the tragic accident that claimed the life of one of the tour drivers. A sad occurrence, and one that Miley obviously had nothing to do with. However, later came reports that Miley ripped into a fast food worker when he failed to recognize her when she placed her order. You can get away with saying "do you know who I am" when you are Jerry Seinfeld on Larry King, it doesn't go over so well when you are an underage pop princess who thinks she is important.

However, for the truly Bad Call of the Week. We turn to Miley's recently released comments about the Twilight series. In a Tuesday interview on Sirius Satellite Radio, Miley commented that she feels the Twilight craze is "a cult" and that "people get too into it".

As opposed to Hannah Montana...

Now, I'm not a Twilight fan, and It's tough for me to defend a film franchise that is vastly overrated, but Miley may want to rethink some things here. First of all, many people (myself included) could say: "excuse me, Miss Cyrus, but weren't you also the benefactor of a huge craze among young people, who viewed you and your brand with the same psychotic love that the Twilight series now generates?"

Hannah Montana was as much of a pointless craze as the current Twilight craze is, and seemingly Miley has forgotten this fact.

Secondly, I'm not a huge fan of throwing the word "cult" around about actors in a movie. There is a big difference between Rob Pattinson playing a Vampire in a movie, and the tragedies that were "Heaven's Gate" and Jim Jones and his Kool Aid. I may not be a big fan of the Twilight movies, but I realize that they are indeed just movies, and not some sort of nefarious scheme to take over the minds of teenage girls.

He drinks blood, not Kool Aid...

Overall, the last two incidents have made Miley come across as prissy, and self-important. Those qualities have a habit of leading to bad things in young female pop stars. Miley would do better to imitate the easy-going, down-to-earth style of Taylor Swift, rather than the self-important ways that plagued Britney, Paris, and Lindsay.

So, Miley Cyrus, you get the first Battle Royale Bad Call of the Week, here's hoping you manage to stay off the list in the future.

-Latin

The Review Column: New Moon

2009-11-26T00:49:00.012-05:00

Today, for the first entry in our weekly review series, I will be examining The Twilight Saga: New Moon. For all you Twihards out there who were well pleased that Taylor Lautner was lauded as Personality of the Week yesterday, buckle up, because you're in for a ride here.

Let me start off by giving you an inclination as to how I felt about the first Twilight movie: it was, in a word, bad. That's not to say it wasn't entertaining; surely I was intrigued by where the story was taking me, and it held my attention for the duration of its two hour run. Upon a second viewing, however, once I already knew everything that was going to happen, I couldn't help but notice how poorly it was made. The editing was choppy, the shot composition left something to be desired (a few too many extreme close-ups, if you ask me), the direction was sub-par, and the acting was pretty stinkish. I did get a good laugh out of Edward's initial reaction upon seeing Bella though. And vampire baseball? In postproduction, somebody must have thought "This concept on its face isn't quite ludicrous enough. I know... let's play 'Supermassive Black Hole' by Muse over the scene. That should make it suitably ridiculous." I won't even get into any of the other absurdities, but I can say that in a movie full of unintentional humor and bored actors, Billy Burke as Charlie Swan and his bits of comic relief were just that: a welcome relief. Ultimately, Twilight was a reasonably engaging but poorly produced story. But enough about the first movie.

I found that, in some areas where Twilight failed, New Moon succeeded. For example, the acting wasn't quite as bad this time around; Robert Pattinson wasn't a total spaz and, at points, seemed to actually care about what was going on. For most of his time onscreen, though, he was his normal aloof self. Kristen Stewart put in what was probably the best performance of her life; at times it almost seemed like she too was more than just a drugged-out robot. Maybe it's just the moody tone of the movie or the brooding natures of the roles, but both Pattinson and Stewart rarely show any emotion via facial expressions, which gives their characters all the personality of two dry chunks of wood. In Pattinson's defense, I think it may just be the role, because I saw a trailer before the movie in which he was featured, and he seemed pretty animated. Stewart, on the other hand, may as well have been playing Bella Swan when she starred in Adventureland, so I'm guessing her interest deficiency is rooted either in her acting ability or her own natural personality.

This is Bella's pensive face. It's also her happy face,
angry face, excited face, sad face, shocked face,
embarrassed face, relieved face, and hungry face.

Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black was also featured much more prominently in New Moon, and as I've already said, he's actually interesting and fun to watch. His character is real and human, someone you can actually relate to, which makes his time on screen that much more valuable than Edward's. Incidentally, Edward spends about half the movie away in Italy, which is just great, because Jacob's dynamic with Bella is far more engrossing than her surreal relationship with Edward.

The biggest problem with New Moon is that, even though it upped the quality a little bit in a few departments, it actually fails in most of the places where Twilight succeeded. My major complaint is that the pacing... in New Moon... is sooooooooooo... slooooooooooow. They took an hour and a half worth of movie and stretched it out to two hours and ten minutes by riddling the dialogue with a mind-bending number of pregnant pauses. Did I mention that there is a veritable metric ton of dialogue? Then there's the plot progression. In the first movie, a setting was established and events were moved forward, however angstily. Bella moves to Forks, Washington, makes friends, meets Edward Cullen, develops an awkward fixation for him, is conflicted by said fixation, learns he's a vampire, struggles to wrap her mind around that fact, spends quality time with his oddly accommodating family, and then, in the most interesting 20 minutes or so, gets chased by a gang of evil vampires who have been hunting people and sucking their blood before being cornered and caught in the middle of a relatively cool vampire fight scene. In New Moon... well, we find out that Jacob is a werewolf. And about half an hour in, after Edward leaves, Bella and Jacob talk. A lot. A majority of the movie is a giant DTR (that's "define the relationship," kids) conversation between Bella and Jacob... and this, aside from the few werewolf action scenes, is the most interesting stuff that happens in the whole film (again, thanks in large part to Taylor Lautner).

Effectively though, I can't really figure out exactly what happened in New Moon that warranted making it its own installment. Aside from the conflicting signals that Bella consistently gave Jacob, the revelation that Jacob was part of a really cool unit of werewolves, and Edward running off to Italy to be an emo kid, basically nothing really happened at all. In fact, speaking of Italy, I don't even know what bearing that sequence had on the rest of the movie. I could plop New Moon into Windows Movie Maker, completely cut out the entire half hour chunk where they go to Italy to see the Volturi, and the continuity of the film would be totally unaffected (if I did that, though, you'd miss out on Dakota Fanning's glorified cameo, wherein she stared intensely at Edward for a few moments). If they don't introduce zombies as another movie monster faction in Eclipse and build up to some kind of apocalyptic war between all these groups, I'm not really sure where this story is gonna go.

Charlie Swan's backyard in Breaking Dawn (fingers crossed)

Upon my initial viewing of New Moon, I decided it was better than Twilight, and by and large, the production quality actually was improved. After digesting it for a while, though, I've concluded that the reason I liked it more at first was because Jacob is just a cooler character than Edward, and this movie features Jacob. The film achieves very little in the area of plot progression, the pacing is way too slow, and it failed to draw me in, even in the capacity that the first one did.

The Verdict:

AWESOME
Sweet
Okay
Meh
Poopy

-Billy

Bonus Thanksgiving Post of the Week

2009-11-25T05:11:00.005-05:00

I thought about leaving this bonus post until Thursday morning, but then I decided that none of you are going to be worrying about this blog when there are parades, turkey, and football to be enjoyed. So I decided to post this for Wednesday, so you all can be prepared for the Thanksgiving Day festivities.

I'm a pretty avid football fan, so for me, half of the fun of Thanksgiving is watching the annual football games that take place on this great holiday. Most of you probably know that every year the Lions and the Cowboys play on Thanksgiving, this year the Lions take on NFC North foe Green Bay, and the Cowboys get a slightly lesser opponent in the Oakland Raiders. Some of you though, may not know that in 2006 the NFL added a third, evening game to the Thanksgiving slate. This game does not have a set team that takes part, and is broadcast on NFL network, so most of you probably haven't ever seen this third game take place. This year, the evening game features the Denver Broncos and the New York Giants.

You probably have the TV schedule memorized by now, it rarely seems to change, but here is a very basic rundown.

The parade starts at 9:00 am, pretty much on all major stations, possibly excluding FOX. After it ends, ABC and CBS pretty much wave the white flag while Fox dominates the first 4 hours of football. NBC goes for the alternative for women route, with the National Dog Show. Undoubtedly, this will cause marital strife in many houses, as wives will see the cute puppies come on at noon, and next thing they know they will be staring at Terry Bradshaw's bald head. CBS takes over football duties at 4 pm. Fox counters with Ice Skating and inspirational cancer survivor Scott Hamilton, meaning some young men in America will have to truly ask themselves "what would Brian Boitano do?" ABC continues to wave the white flag, going with their regular "Rachel Ray" programming. NBC has an interesting game plan, they start with big headed animals (Macy's Parade), then go to cute animals (Dog show), then animal doctors (Dr. Dolittle), and then at 4 they come full circle and go with big headed doctors (Dr. Phil). At 8 the magic really starts to happen. NFL network gets the Giants-Broncos, NBC goes with an Office rerun, ESPN has college football, Fox goes with Night at the Museum, and ABC goes with old steadfast Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Also, the cable channels start breaking out the Christmas movies in the evening, and finally, in perhaps the most interesting choice of all, AMC runs a "Godfather Trilogy" marathon all day starting at 7:30 am, and going throughout the night. For those of you manly men staying up all night before the Black Friday madness, you can pick up the second run of the trilogy starting at 8 pm.

"I'm thankful for the family..."

So that's pretty much how the TV schedule pans out Thursday, pick your spots wisely.

And now, for a little bonus action, I'm going to get all fancy and pick the spreads for Thursday's NFL action.

Packers (-10.5) over LIONS

In all the hubbub about Matt Stafford's gutsy touchdown pass with a separated shoulder last Sunday, people seem to be forgetting that the Lions gave up 37 points to a terrible Browns team. Aaron Rodgers and Greg Jennings are better than Brady Quinn and Mohammed Massaquoi, and to further put the nail in the coffin, Stafford and Calvin Johnson are doubtful for Thursday, uh oh.

Packers 38, Lions 17

Raiders (+13.5) over COWBOYS

Make no mistake, the Cowboys will win this game, but this is a Dallas team that scored a grand total of 7 points against the Redskins on Sunday, and this Oakland defense isn't half bad when their offense can stay on the field. Bruce Gradkowski will keep the Raiders offense at least partially respectable, and that will keep the scoring low.

Cowboys 21, Raiders 10

Giants (-6.5) over BRONCOS

The Giants defense can't stop anyone, luckily, the Broncos offense can't score. Denver has been in a terrible rut, and the last loss to San Diego was disheartening. Meanwhile, while the Giants still have much to figure out on defense, Eli Manning and the passing attack have them right in the middle of the NFC East race. New York lost a heartbreaker to San Diego 2 weeks ago, Denver lost to San Diego by 29 on Sunday.

Giants 24, Broncos 17

Ok, folks, there it is, your bonus Thanksgiving post, don't get greedy now and expect bonus posts all the time, give thanks for what you are given.

-Latin

Chris's Corner: The Workplace

2009-11-25T02:46:00.009-05:00

Howdy folks, I haven't written here before, so I'll just present a brief little introduction before I launch my topic of "discussion" for today. My name is Chris, and I'll be acting as a guest columnist of sorts because heck, I've got my fair share of opinions on the content and impact of popular culture. I've been given a bit more freedom from the strictures of pre-defined topics, which means I'll probably be a little more aloof than my ambitious cohorts. So sit down, cross your legs, and join me in Chris's Corner.

Today I awoke from my third consecutive night of dreams involving working at Kmart to the idea for this post: the workplace mystique. There's something about work that has a certain intrigue, despite the general negative outlook the vast majority of people have towards jobs. Everyone has to work at some time or another; it's one of those universal bonds of humanity. As a result, it comes up rather frequently in popular culture.

Just stop and think for a second about the fictional portrayal of "work." I put the term in quotes because we all use that extremely generic language to describe a massive range of different things, from answering telephone calls to checking whether numbers add up properly. When I say "work," I simply mean that ambiguous place where people go almost every day. Most of the time, work goes more or less unnoticed in fiction. Typically I don't think, for instance, while watching an episode of House, that all these people are at work, doing their jobs. No, the focus is on whatever conflict the episode contains (aside: I don't watch much of House myself, but it struck me as a good example). I don't worry during Heroes about whether or not Matt Parkman is employed as a police officer anymore, either. And the same principle applies to school; to pick a particularly powerful example (in my opinion), for all of the thousands of pages making up the Harry Potter series, consider just how little we know about the class content and the homework at Hogwarts. It barely gets a mention, and yet it is an enormous plot device. The examples are numerous; I could go on for several more paragraphs.

I think we've all felt this way at one point or another

Of course, there are those instances in which special attention is paid to the workplace. Randall Graves may be the only one of us who stops to think about the individual contractors and construction workers aboard the Death Star, but sometimes the workplace is so prominent that we can't avoid thinking about it. How often is that presentation humorous? Almost always; I can think of one example where it more or less is not intended to be funny, but I'll get to that.

In movies like Clerks (and its sequel, Clerks II), and Office Space, and TV shows like The Office, we get a special treatment to some of the more specific aspects of working environments. Even in these, though, the nagging reality is present: apparently no one actually knows what goes on at work. At first, you might say to yourself, "That's just because if all they showed was work being done, it would be mind-numbingly boring." I agree wholeheartedly, but having now worked in both an office setting and a retail setting (pretty close to the characters in those pieces of fiction), I have realized another truth. I can describe to you just what my job requirements are, and I can tell amusing stories from work, but when I try to remember what I actually did at work, I come up completely blank. Maybe this is just me, but I suspect otherwise.

The workplace mystique is just that: for all the hours and hours I've put into working (and I not nearly as many as some people my age), I can boil most of it down to enough content to fit into a movie or several episodes of a television series. I have to give credit to the designers of The Sims. I don't know whether they realized it or not, but they captured the workplace mystique just beautifully. While jobs and career advancement are major focal elements of the games in the series, the actual work day flits by in artificially sped-up time, and we never get to see what goes on there at all. We only get snatches from the way the characters dress from work and the occasional bonus choices that crop up now and then.

For being so important to our lives, and for playing a large role in characterization, setting, and plot advancement in fiction, we really don't know a whole lot about the workplace. The next time you sit down to read a book, watch a movie or TV show, or even play The Sims, try to look at it with a critical eye in this regard, and I think you'll see just what I mean. And by the way, I recommend every title that I've mentioned above. If you haven't delved into any one of them, certainly do so; it's well worth your time.

-Chris

Personality of the Week: Taylor Lautner

2009-11-25T02:25:00.010-05:00

Every week we'll be choosing one individual (real or otherwise) as our Battle Royale Personality of the Week. On this fine Wednesday, I get to do the honors by selecting the inaugural personality. The first person to receive this lofty award is none other than every teenage girl's favorite werewolf, Taylor Lautner.

Left: Taylor Lautner
Right: The reason I chose this picture

But what makes Taylor Lautner worthy of such high-profile praise? The reasoning for my decision was based on the following principles:

1. New Moon is kind of a big deal
If you haven't heard, The Twilight Saga: New Moon (to use its full name for formality's sake once in this post) pulled in 140.7 million dollars in the U.S. in its opening weekend, placing it third on the all time list behind The Dark Knight and Spider-Man 3. Thanks to an army of rabid female fans, Taylor was part of a project that was about $17.8 million away from making history. Just being associated with something like that is enough to raise awareness, but being one of the stars helped secure his title this week. I haven't actually seen New Moon yet (I'm going today, and I'm sure I'll have plenty to say about it, in due time), but honestly, at this point it doesn't really matter whether or not it's even any good, at least for the purposes of this award; it's become a cultural phenomenon of which Taylor Lautner is a part.

2. He was the best thing about Twilight
Someone please tell me why "Team Edward" even exists. Who in their right mind would pick a pasty, prissy, metrosexual vampire toolbag who perpetually seems either bored or confused by his surroundings and spends much of his time making sure his hair has that perfectly messed-up look over a down-to-earth, naturally friendly guy who is secretly a werewolf? What's that you say? Edward sparkles in sunlight? Shame on me for forgetting that most paramount of vampire characteristics, that makes ALL the difference. But seriously, even from a the standpoint of a potential heterosexual friend, Jacob Black is way more likeable (not to mention approachable) than Edward Cullen, and though he had only a small part in the first film, he stood out to me as the most interesting thing about it. The only downside to Jacob in Twilight was that his hair was ludicrously long, but they rectified that for New Moon, so all is well. I realize that all the things I just detailed are traits of the characters played by Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner, not of the actors themselves, but then again, I think part of the reason that Edward Cullen looked so bored/confused throughout the movie was because Robert Pattinson's not that great of an actor. Taylor Lautner, on the other hand, gave me at least a believeable performance.

3. His acting abilities don't limit him to playing werewolves
Don't try and typecast Taylor Lautner as one type of human/animal hybrid:

Exhibit A

4. He's dating Taylor Swift
This one's a no-brainer. I mean come on, it's Taylor Swift. Not only is she beautiful (albeit freakishly tall), but she's winning every award imaginable (I mean sure, she hasn't gotten the Battle Royale Personality of the Week award yet, but we gotta take this thing one Taylor at a time). As a guy, I have to give major props to the one who can rein in Taylor Swift, and the fact that they share a first name just gives them extra novelty points.

And there you have it. If you don't think those reasons are good enough, go soak a rope in kerosene (all this early Christmas spirit is apparently getting to me). Next week you'll get to see Danny Latin's first pick for Battle Royale Personality of the Week, but we've got plenty more coming for you in the days before then, so don't forget to gather all your friends and come back tomorrow.

-Billy

Weekly Wish List: God of War Collection- PS3

2009-11-25T00:58:00.009-05:00

Every Wednesday, we are going to give you a quick peek at some of the items that pop up on our wish lists. This week I chose to focus on the just released "God of War Collection" for the Playstation 3.

In order to build up excitement for the upcoming God of War 3 which comes out March 31st, 2010, Sony has combined the first and second God of War games into a single blu-ray disc, and has released the games (which were previously only available on PS2) for the surging PS3.

While Sony will undoubtedly catch some sales from consumers who previously had played the games on PS2, and decide to repurchase the game because of the remastered HD quality, or the ability to play on the PS3, most likely Sony aimed this maneuver at PS3 owners who have not played the earlier release of the games, enticing them with a relatively tiny price tag of $35 for the collection. In essence, PS3 owners get 2 new games for half the price of 1 regular new game, and Sony gets a whole new generation hooked on the series so when God of War 3 comes out in March, those same people will pay $60 (or $90 for the ultimate edition) for the game.

Well, I happen to fall into that category. I never owned a PS2, and while I watched Billy blow through the games numerous times during our college years, I never picked the game up myself. However, the prospect of 2 of the highest rated games in Playstation history, both new to me, for only $35, and as an exclusive for my beloved PS3, has me hooked completely.

Pictured: Awesomeness

Early reviews of the collection have been nearly universally positive. The upconvert to HD quality has been praised for looking nearly as good as a new PS3 release, and the improved framerate quality improves gameplay and feel.

The story and bonus features remain untouched, the gameplay is exactly the same as the PS2 releases, so fans of the franchise can relax about Sony tweaking the game needlessly. Overall, if you consider yourself so much a fan of the franchise that you feel the need for an upgrade, or if you are looking for a solid franchise to dive into at a steep discount, you would be hard pressed to find a better deal right now than the God of War Collection for PS3.

And that's your wish list for the week.

-Latin

Tuesday's Testosterone Alley: Mustache Edition

2009-11-24T02:37:00.020-05:00

For as long as there have been men, there has been the mustache. We may never know which man among boys first decided to shave all the hair off of his face EXCEPT for the wispy strands beneath his nose. Perhaps he was distracted in the middle of his morning shave and walked out of his hut with the glory of his mustache in full view of his tribe. Or perhaps it was a cold calculated decision, designed to make himself a king among the nations. Whatever it was, for centuries men have copied and adapted his style, here are some of the best, and the worst.

1. "The Larry Bird"

Wispy and faint, this mustache is low on manliness and style. To date, Larry Legend is the only man to have any success rocking this look. This look can also be called the "Girl 'Stache".

Also sported by: Weird Al Yankovic, John Heder

Style: 1/10
Manliness: 1/10
Track Record: 3/10

2. "The Geraldo Rivera"

Basically the "Captain Morgan" without the accompanying goatee. The "Geraldo" is for the man who thinks he is a devilish rogue, but doesn't have the guts to go for it all.

Also Sported by: Freddie Mercury, Mario

Style: 4/10
Manliness: 3/10
Track Record: 2/10

3. "The Salvador Dali"

Greased and styled, the "Dali" is thin and waxed, favored by those trying to standout and give off the oddball impression. Make no mistake though, it takes some serious talent to grow one of these.

Also Sported by: Rollie Fingers, Captain Hook

Style: 6/10
Manliness: 3/10
Track Record: 4/10

4. "The Alex Trebek"

Full but neat, graying but manly, distinguished but roguish, the "Trebek" is a staple of lively gentlemen who still have that devilish spryness about them.

Also Sported by: Dick Van Dyke, Mike Ditka

Style: 6/10
Manliness: 5/10
Track Record: 5/10

5. "The Yanni"

Full but groomed, the Yanni is more civilized than its brothers "The Selleck" and "The Geraldo". "The Yanni" looks like it was just pulled out of the prop closet and neatly put in place 5 minutes ago.

Also Sported by: Peter Sellers, Robert Goulet

Style: 7/10
Manliness: 6/10
Track Record: 4/10

6. "The Captain Morgan"

A favorite of rebels and scallywags, the "Captain Morgan" features a styled mustache paired with a pointed, thin goatee for a full effect that is equal parts devil and hero.

Also Sported by: Mel Gibson, Mickey Rourke

Style: 8/10
Manliness: 7/10
Track Record: 3/10

7. "The Clark Gable"

Neat and minimalist, The "Gable" is not as wispy or wild as the "Larry Bird", but is understated and mature. The choice of classic ladies men. The "Gable" sacrifices full-on manliness for style and sophistication.

Also Sported by: Errol Flynn, Brad Pitt

Style: 8/10
Manliness: 5/10
Track Record: 6/10

8. "The Lando Calrissian"

The choice of solid black men for decades, the "Lando" is dignified and strong. A sign of power and a sharp dressed man.

Also Sported by: Eddie Murphy, Carl Weathers

Style: 7/10
Manliness: 7/10
Track Record: 8/10

9. "The Burt Reynolds"

Burt has a history with the mustache that no one else can match. He has experimented with style after style, adapting with age. The classic "Reynolds" is a slightly overgrown "Yanni" with a downward turn. He also has sported the "Selleck" and the "Trebek" over the years, giving him a place in the mustache history books.

Also Sported by: No one else, it's just Burt.

Style: 8/10
Manliness: 9/10
Track Record: 8/10

10. "The Tom Selleck"

A legend among mustaches, "The Selleck" is bold and proud. It aspires to one day be as strong as its big brother "The Elliot", but in the meantime "The Selleck" is a formidable force of its own.

Also Sported by: Dale Earnhardt, Daniel Day Lewis

Style: 8/10
Manliness: 9/10
Track Record: 9/10

11. "The Sam Elliot"

Here it is folks, the king of the mustache. Perhaps not as culturally important as "The Selleck" or "The Reynolds", but in terms of pure testosterone, nobody beats Sam Elliot and his magnificent 'stache.

Also Sported by: Captain Crunch, Wilford Brimley

Style: 10/10
Manliness: 10/10
Track Record: 10/10

There it is folks, apologies to "The Hitler", "The Groucho", and "The Borat" for just missing this list.

That's all for today, check us out tomorrow, same time, same place.

-Latin

Over/Under: Fountains of Wayne

2009-11-24T01:40:00.009-05:00

In this weekly column, we'll be discussing an element of pop culture that is either over- or underrated (hence the name, Over/Under. You know you're dealing with some real wordplay pros when you come across a clever title like that). Today's subject: the vastly underrated Fountains of Wayne.

I've never exactly understood why Fountains of Wayne aren't way more popular. Personally, I've been a huge fan since 2003, when they enjoyed their brief flirtation with real mainstream fame. Now I'm guessing that some (or many, or maybe even most) of you are currently thinking "Who/what are Fountains of Wayne?" Allow me to inject a personal anecdote which may clear things up: in mid-fall of 2003, I happened to fall asleep with the radio on one Saturday night when I went to bed, and when I woke up, the American Top 40 was on. As I lay in bed, still half-asleep, I could have sworn I heard a guy singing about being in love with somebody's mom. I sat up, listened more closely, and realized that I had heard correctly. The song's catchy guitar riff, which repeats throughout the song, is what had initially caught my sleep-hazed attention, but its novel premise is what really drew me in. I thought, "I have to find out what the name of this song is, who plays it, and I need to hear more by that band." As it turns out, it was none other than 'Stacy's Mom' by Fountains of Wayne. This is the part where people normally go "Ooooh yeah, I know that song. I never knew the name of the band that did it though." If you still don't know what I'm talking about, you must live under a very large rock and don't need to read any further. Sadly, Stacy's Mom ultimately granted Fountains of Wayne "one hit wonder" status and nothing more.

I'm sure most of you out there have already seen the video for Stacy's Mom, so I'll showcase another, lesser-known piece of FoW's work, the music video for the lead single 'Someone to Love' off their fourth studio album, Traffic and Weather. I can't embed the video, since its distributors apparently want to be particularly stingy, but I will supply you with the link here (see if you can't spot Demetri Martin):

'Someone to Love' Music Video

The big question I have is how can a band like Weezer become so popular, but FoW gets left out in the cold? Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of Weezer, I'm just a bigger fan of FoW, and it seems like I'm one of the only ones in the world. The two bands share similar "power pop" styles (though I don't want to pigeon-hole FoW into the genre of pop rock, because they are actually capable of covering a wide variety of musical styles, showcased most prominently between 1999's Utopia Parkway and 2003's Welcome Interstate Managers), so the only thing I can think of is the difference in lyrical content. Weezer's body of work primarily pertains to social and relationship issues, whereas Fountains of Wayne have a large collection of vignettes about average, every day, middle class American life. This, of course, includes dealing with the ups and downs of romantic relationships, but among the myriad of other subjects are songs about being stuck in traffic, going to work at a dead-end job, high schoolers throwing a house-trashing party while their parents are away, alcoholic salesmen, football quarterbacks, irritating technological gadgets, and wishing to be home with loved ones after being away for too long. Some of this may sound mundane, but therein lies the brilliance: when you can write a song about a mundane experience, and make it a really good song to listen to, then you've got some talent. There doesn't always need to be layers of deep, complex, hidden meanings within a song's lyrics; sometimes it's good to have a fun piece of music that your average human being can relate to just because they're familiar with the subject matter. Take The Beatles, for example. They wrote a brilliant song about wanting to hold a girl's hand. That's all there was to it, and it's a great, classic song. Fountains of Wayne's catalog is full of pieces of good, solid, relatable music like that, but since most people never bother to check out their work beyond 'Stacy's Mom,' the public is generally unaware, and I think that's a shame.

If you enjoyed 'Someone to Love,' or if you're intrigued by anything I've said so far and want to hear more, then as an added bonus, I've already done some of your work for you. The band has a MySpace page for each of their most recent albums where you can listen to any song from that album in its entirety. I've linked the page for each album below, starting with my favorite album first, and listed the two best tracks from each one so you have an idea of where to start. For each album I've listed one upbeat song followed by a slow song, and I didn't include 'Stacy's Mom' or 'Someone to Love' on these lists since by this point you've likely already heard both of those.

Welcome Interstate Managers (2003)
Mexican Wine
Fire Island

Out-of-State Plates (2005)
The Girl I Can't Forget
...Baby One More Time

Traffic and Weather (2007)
Hotel Majestic
I-95

If any of this strikes your fancy, check out 'Valley Winter Song' and 'Hackensack' from Welcome Interstate Managers, 'New Routine' and 'Fire in the Canyon' from Traffic and Weather... heck, check them all out, you won't be disappointed.

-Billy

Weekly Glance Back: Great Characters in Cinematic History

2009-11-23T02:47:00.008-05:00

Every Monday we will take the opportunity to glance both at what is upcoming in pop culture, as well as peer back at some of the biggest names, films, and fads that have dominated the headlines from years past. One week we may look at celebrity power couples from decades ago, another week we may look at some of the biggest toy crazes that the nation has known.

This week we start a series detailing our love (or hatred) of classic movies characters. We start this week with everyone's favorite bumbling detective, Jacques Clouseau.

Clouseau, of course, is the protagonist of the Pink Panther films. A creation of Blake Edwards, and more prominently, Peter Sellers.

For what it's worth, I regard Sellers as possibly the funniest man to ever have walked the earth. While I'm quite sure many would offer counter claims, I'm equally sure I'm not the only one to feel this way. In the same vein, Clouseau is undoubtedly Sellers' most enduring character. Many feel his performance in "Dr. Strangelove" as a host of memorable characters, is his best performance, and one can hardly argue, however, Clouseau is his most repeated and imitated performance.

Here is a collector's insight into the Pink Panther series:

"The Pink Panther"
1963

Ironically, it was never intended for Clouseau to be such a star. Edwards intended the star of his "Pink Panther" films (named after a diamond which appears in roughly half of the movies to date), to be Sir David Niven, who played the jewel thief "The Phantom" in the 1963 original. Sellers played Clouseau, the idiot French detective who serves as the Phantom's bumbling antagonist. Seller's natural comedy and charisma stole the show away from Niven, and changed the tone of the entire series.

"A Shot in the Dark"
1964

Sellers began to develop his character into the over-the-top idiot that he eventually became. Enter Seller's ridiculous accent, and the beginnings of the trademark physical humor, as well as the introduction of a memorable supporting cast including Herbert Lom and Burt Kwouk.

"Return of the Pink Panther"
1975

After 10 years away from the series, and an ill-advised Alan Arkin reboot, Sellers and Edwards return with a vengeance. "Return" again focuses on the theft of the diamond, and gives even more air time to Sellers and Kwouk and their wacky antics.

"The Pink Panther Strikes Again"
1976

In my opinion, this is easily the best and most humorous of the "Panther" films. It features a comically absurd plot and a resolution which was hilarious in its finality. In fact, this movie so altered the canon of the series, that the next "Panther" film was forced to completely ignore the movie and revert back to "Return". Herbert Lom and Burt Kwouk are at their best in this film, and Sellers uses his mastery of physical comedy to perfection. His interrogation of the Castle staff remains some of the funniest stuff ever captured on camera.

"Revenge of the Pink Panther"
1978

While "Revenge" had to ignore the previous installment of the series to maintain any kind of continuity with the series, it still remains one of the better movies of the bunch, this would unfortunately by the last "Pink Panther" film for Sellers, as he would pass away due to a heart attack in 1980.

"Trail of the Pink Panther"
1982

Edwards filmed this as a tribute to Sellers, using unused clips from previous "Panther" films. It follows the story of a female reporter who searches for Clouseau and the diamond when both go missing suspiciously. While meant as a tribute to Sellers, without him the film falls flat on its face, and marks the beginning of dark days for the "Panther" series.

"Curse of the Pink Panther"
1983

In an attempted re-boot with Ted Wass as a new bumbling detective, Edwards tested the waters without Sellers, featuring Clouseau only in a cameo as a "disfigured" Roger Moore. The film was a disaster, however, Moore is quite funny in his limited scenes.

"Son of the Pink Panther"
1993

A decade later, Edwards tried again to revive the series without Sellers, this time with Roberto Benigni as Clousea's illegitimate son. As before, without Sellers neither critics nor audiences payed much attention, and rightfully so. This would mark Edwards' last foray into the series as it would later be rebooted without him.

"The Pink Panther" and "The Pink Panther 2"
2006 and 2009

Recently, Steve Martin was cast as Clouseau in a modern take on the "Panther" franchise. Martin has become a similar master of physical comedy, and his casting as Clouseau seemed natural for a reboot of the franchise. The reboot proved to be a relative success, due to Martin's considerable appeal and talent, as well as new target audience and therefore themes. Gone are Clouseau's bed-hopping ways. Gone is the over the top insanity of Dreyfuss, and the transgender criminals of Clouseau's past. The series undoubtedly has been dumbed down for a younger generation, and will most likely stay there permanently. While Martin is a passable Clouseau, and does not insult the series as previous incarnations have done, it is no small thing that Edwards commented that Sellers was the one and only Jacques Clouseau.

For those that have merely seen Martin's adaptation of the series, I encourage you to investigate the originals. The non-Sellers adaptations can be dismissed and ignored, however, the '63 original, "Shot in the Dark", "Return", Strikes Again", and "Revenge" are all worthy additions to a netflix queue (or for that matter a DVD collection), though if you doubt your ability to get through all 5, the first two can be passed over with little problem, and one can jump right into "Return" and "Strikes Again". If you find yourself watching "Strikes Again" and cannot seem to crack a smile, I implore you to visit the doctor and diagnose what happened to your sense of humor.

With all that said, we leave you to the rest of your Monday, be sure to check in tomorrow for something completely different.

Monday Morning Pathfinder: Toy Story 3

2009-11-23T01:37:00.009-05:00

What better way to begin this blog than with a post about my favorite animated franchise of all time? Today, ladies and gentlemen, we'll be looking ahead to Toy Story 3 to be released on June 18th, 2010. If you haven't yet seen it, check out the trailer now:

When I first saw the trailer for this movie before the Toy Story/Toy Story 2 3D Double Feature back in October, I nearly peed my pants in excitement. Up until I saw that double feature, I had a little trouble deciding which of the two Toy Stories I liked better. During the second movie, however, I realized that Toy Story 2 is in fact the better movie, and from the looks of this trailer, Toy Story 3 has the potential to be the best of the series. That's no small accomplishment, considering the fact that Toy Story 2 (followed closely by the first) is the best animated film ever made (regarding all the buzz about Up, I haven't seen it so I can't weigh in on it; I'll let you know what I think when I do see it).

There was talk of an earlier draft of the movie being focused around a Buzz Lightyear recall and the toys' journey to Japan to rescue Buzz, but as much as I thought that could be cool and funny, it sounded a little too much like the main storyline of Toy Story 2 with a different plot device. I think it's appropriate, now that 10 and a half years will have passed between sequels at the time of 3's release, that Andy is now college age, and I'm curious to see how the toys themselves respond to being dumped off at a daycare, since the theme of being forgotten and given away by the children who loved them was discussed often in 2. My only minor complaint is that the younger Andy in this trailer doesn't exactly look a whole lot like the Andy I remember from the first two movies. Sure, the technology has gotten better and Pixar has certainly improved their animation skills, but even though he does look more "realistic," something seems a little off about his appearance... "chubby" isn't quite the right word, but he looks a little more rounded.

The main cast has returned for this film, barring the late Jim Varney, who has been succeeded by Blake Clark. I'm torn on this; I'm never a fan of recasting, and I think the situation was handled well in the animated short featured before Buzz Lightyear of Star Command: The Adventure Begins (a great movie in its own right, if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it). In that clip, all the major characters from the Toy Story series had speaking parts except for Slink, who just moved about and gestured when appropriate, and I think that worked perfectly fine. On the other hand, it's easier to hide a character's silence in a 3 minute animated short than it is in a feature length film. The only way to avoid recasting Slink would have been to cut him out of the movie completely, and that's not a good idea either. From what I've heard, Blake Clark sounds enough like Jim Varney to get the job done, and I suppose that's all I can ask for. One of the most promising things I see on the cast list is Michael Keaton as Ken; I think this has potential to be really funny. If you asked me to put a voice to Ken, I'd be more likely to go with Cary Elwes, but that's just my personal preference, and Keaton is a solid choice.

It seems like the great adventure of this movie is going to be the escape from the day care, and I wonder just where they plan on going once they do get out; perhaps, in a Brave Little Toaster-esque scenario, to find Andy? The malfunctioning, Spanish speaking Buzz Lightyear looks mildly amusing, but I have a feeling it could get old quickly. The way the fake Buzz led them through Al's Toy Barn and the apartment building was one of the funniest things about Toy Story 2, so the idea of "resetting" him could be humorous enough, but the language barrier might keep it from being truly hilarious, and if it goes on for too long it could get downright annoying. The rest of the charming humor incorporated in the first two films looks to be intact, however, and I look forward to seeing how Andy's toys interact with the new toys they meet in the day care.

I'm doubtful that there will be a fourth installment in this series, so this will probably be the last we see of Woody, Buzz, and the gang. I can't wait to find out how it resolves and where the toys ultimately end up, but I'm sure wherever they go, it'll be a great ride. With all the elements in place for another superb piece of computer animated cinema, and being the second sequel to the film that started it all, Toy Story 3 is my most anticipated movie of 2010.

-Billy

Consider Yourself Warned

2009-11-22T00:46:00.003-05:00

Jean-Claude Van Damme says: "Be here on Monday, or else my

American Flag bicep will destroy you."

And There Aren't Even Any Side Effects

2009-11-22T00:41:00.002-05:00

What do movies, music, television, sports, internet phenomena, and all other facets of pop culture have in common?

I have impeccable taste in all of them.

If you're one of the millions of Americans who suffers from chronic interest in crappy entertainment, then you've come to the right place.

I'm Billy, and my commentary drops Monday morning.

Opening Day Extravaganza

2009-11-22T00:16:00.002-05:00

Well, here we are folks. Less than 24 hours away from the official groundbreaking of our new foray into the jungle of pop culture.

If anybody out there is not pumped up yet, then you need to grab a Mountain Dew, snap into a Slim Jim, take a time out with Twix, or use whatever other item of sustenance it takes to get you fired up, and snap the heck out of your lazy weekend doldrums.

You used to hate Monday mornings.....

Well now you are going to hate them slightly less.

-Latin

Welcome!

2009-11-17T07:23:00.003-05:00

Welcome to our new blog. We will officially start rolling out with our fantastic commentary on Monday, but this is just a little welcome message to get you excited.

So, tell your friends, your boss, your neighbors, your spouse, your secretary, the ugly guy in the cubicle across the hall, your old high school sweetheart, your grandparents, your 5th grade science teacher, and anyone else you can think of. We are going online Monday, and you better not miss out.